Sorry I have so lax about posting. I suck. No excuses.
For some reason Han had a pitcher of PT margaritas ready to go when i got there, followed up by two glasses of pure poison that were served to us by longtime fave Kristin. Sufficiently lubricated we entered the theater.
We got seats directly in front of my favorite types of movie goers: Loud teenagers. they endeared themselves to me immediately when after Olivia Munn showed up to tell us she didn’t have the big C but the actress next to her did, the queen bee of the group yelled, “Who the fuck is Olivia Munn???” A question for the ages.
The trailers were a worrisome array of subjects capped off by one that started off looking like a new trailer for “The Social Network”. Just as I leaned over to ask Han where Justin Timberlake was, it suddenly make a sharp turn into a mystery-thriller called CATFISH. Apparently, hooking up on the Internet still leads to death. I suddenly worried for Nick’s safety.
PIRAHNA 3D is the long awaited follow up to James Cameron’s first major feature, Pirahna 2: the Spawning. In a bold move, the producers decide to set this movie in a seperate continuity, so any questions you expected answered here will have to wait.
The movie is chockful of well known stars: Academy Award Winner Richard Dreyfuss, Starship Troopers Dina Meyer, “That Black Guy that isn’t Michael Clarke Duncan or Bill Duke”Ving Rhames, “5 cancelled shows in 5 years”Jerry O’connell and perennial baby sitter Elizabeth Shue.
The movie doesn’t waste anytime at all, in fact Richard Dreyfuss shows up on screen, has no lines, releases the piranha with a beer bottle then dies BEFORE THE NAME OF THE MOVIE SHOWS UP!
Shue is the sheriff of a small lake front town where the kids go to get wild. Apparently at Lake Boobies, despite the huge tourism, there are only 2 sheriffs on duty at a time, so in the midst of rousting some teens about littering she gets called away to investigate something.
Meanwhile her soon is the amiable loner who is in love with some popular girl. I think her name is Kelly. In fact, I am hard pressed to remember anyone’s name. Most people show up and die. Like this next scene!
Scruffy Hippy is standing on a cliff, partying by himself. He jumps in the water. Pirahna eat him. The End
Ving makes Shue fall in the water retrieving a local fisherman’s boat and his dessicated body attacks her, so they go see an expert:
Doc tells them they have Killer fish in the lake! They have lived under it for 10 million years by eating each other! They have to go BACK in TIME and stop them from breeding!
Loser kid turns out to be the sheriff’s son and gets a job showing around a porn producer for a day. So he pays his little brother and sister to stay home. So of course they get stranded in the middle of the lake. Meanwhile, Dina Meyer and that guy from Party Down show up to find out where the fish are coming from. You see her face so little that I am not sure she was really in the movie or if she is just leasing her name to small features to bulk up the box office. Actually that is a genius idea.
So they dive into a little hole deep underwater and are devoured.
Back at the huge party on the lake there is a wet tshirt contest. Which would be interesting except that there are a bunch of topless women dancing around. PornO’Connell convinces loser kids’ object of affection to come with them on their three hour tour, which starts off with a 5 minute scene of two naked women canoodling underwater. this scene goes on so long that Han actually asked if they needed air. His priorities are skewed.
The rest of the movie goes like this: someone is eaten, at least 30 seconds of boobs, then the boobs get eaten. A penis is eaten. Boob implants are not eaten. So many random people show up and are eaten that I thought we missed a reel of the movie. the ending is so ridiculous that I can’t really explain what happened. But apparently we should look for Piranha 4D some time next summer.
Scales weigh fish and fish have SCALE scale!
Story - So thin it should be on America’s Next Top Model, but it gets us to the end. 3
Comedy - If there were jokes I missed them, yet I laughed many a hardy laugh especially during the bits where they fight the piranha with shotguns…in the middle of panicking partiers. 7
Awesome - This movie was genius in making us care about the plight of Starving Paleolithic Fish. The ways that Nature allows them to find new ways to find and consume food sources is amazing. Also a large number of bodies are cut in two in hilarious manners. 8
Ladies - I decree that this movie may in fact be the first Margarita Movie to achieve a fabled 10. No matter what kind of woman you may be into, they are there in as little clothing as possible doing as much gyrating as legal. 10
Etc - Piranha 3D deserves a decent score just for the sheer number of recognizable actors in it doing almost nothing. Then dying horribly. 6