Many developments have taken place in the world of Margarita Movies since last we blogged. The first big news is that we have FRANCHISED. Over on the East Coast, our slightly more frou-frou brethren have launched Martini Movies, a pale imitation of the great Margarita Movies but nonetheless, a worthy addition to the world of drunk movie reviews. You can check them out here:
Frankly we doubt they have the staying power to keep it up. We’ll see!
And up in the San Francisco Bay Area, the short-wearing hippies have launched Mojito Movies, the eco-friendly vegan recycling version of Margarita Movies. You can check them out here:
Up in Portland, there’s also The Dirtbags, but they’re too lazy to blog. It’s a beautiful interconnected league of drunk movie reviewers. We’re all planning on getting together in New York in October and teaming up. It’s going to be like when the JLA and the Avengers have a crossover. George Perez is going to draw the whole thing, it’s going to be beautiful. Just remember: we were first and therefore we are the best. Well, except the Dirtbags claim they’ve been going since 2007, but they haven’t got any records, so fuck them.
So August is traditionally the month when the studios offload their shitty stock of films that nobody really wants to go and see, because it’s a bad month for the box office. This is why you see a lot of crappy action films, horror films, and the like. For Team MM, this is the most important month of the year. In fact, there are so many films we want to see coming out this month, that we are two-thirds of the way through the unprecedented TRIPLE DOUBLE. That’s right - for three weekends in a row, we are seeing two films, drunk.
Last week we saw 30 Seconds or Less and Final Destination 5. There’s not much to say about either of those because neither film takes itself seriously. Any jokes we made would be better made by the film itself.
This week, however, we didn’t just do what we usually do when we Double Up, which is to see a film on Saturday and a film on Sunday. We meticulously crafted a complex plan that meant we could see TWO FILMS DRUNK IN ONE DAY. The plan was, we turn up at 1, and then drink. We see a film. We go back to the Pink Taco, and drink again. Then we see another film. Simple, yes? So simple.
Everything is proceeding as planned. We get to the Pink Taco, and Kendall is serving. We eat some food, we talk some shit, it’s a beautiful day in LA. Then Dan decides to throw caution to the wind. He decides his drink is not strong enough. To be fair, Kendall does pour pretty light. He conspiratorially beckons to Rina, and says to her “I will give you twenty bucks if you remake this drink with actual booze in it.” Rina earned that twenty, let me tell you. She remade all our drinks and made them so strong that all we could taste was tequila. I wanted to cry after each sip. Dan, you fool! You brave, noble fool! I suspect Rina could probably have a very fruitful career as a biological weapons manufacturer if the barmaid thing doesn’t pan out.
At this point, it is time for film #1 of 2.
Conan! Featuring Khal Drogo from Game of Thrones as Conan! A promised DPM (deaths per minute) of 1.009! Not bad.
Conan begins as Young Conan in his village of Cimmerian Barbarians is proving himself to, even from a young age, love slaughtering people in a bloody fashion. Some villainous types invade the village and Conan, despite being about 12, slaughters approximately five hunded million of them, then brings the heads back to his dad, Ron Perlman, who is so full of fatherly pride you can almost see him well up. Anyway, then some bastard invades the village, slaughters everyone, and Conan’s life mission is decided - he’s going to kill every person in the entire world, starting with the guys who invaded his village and killed his dad before his dad got to explain what the Riddle of Steel was all about.
Wouldn’t you know it, Young Conan grows up to become a hulking collection of perfectly sculpted muscles, murdering his way around Hyborea. I believe the villain is trying to collect pieces of some sort of magic mask so that he can do… something. The mask gives you powers? Maybe? I can’t remember. Anyway I seem to remember he gets the last piece from Conan’s dad, but then he only starts using the mask later on when Conan is grown up. The details escape me, to be honest. I’m telling you, that drink was pretty strong.
Conan’s best friend is a black guy who is similarly huge and murderous. They’re so fucking tough and manly that they just casually hit each other in the face for fun and laughs. If one of Team MM ever hit the other in the face I think it would not be as jovial. Wait! As I type this, part of my brain just gave up a drunk memory. Han slapped me in the face after Conan, in reference to this scene. In response I hit him, and he complained “ow dude, you hit me in the tit.” So, not quite as manly as Conan and Black Conan, but pretty close.
Anyway, Conan kills basically everyone that crosses his path. I want to say the black guy died… but I’m not sure if he did. I just assume he did because he’s black. Sadly, this film is pretty forgettable. The 1982 Conan starring Arnie in the titular role is better in pretty much every way.
Crushing our enemies, seeing them driven before us, and hearing the lamentations of the SCALE Scale:
S - Story: There definitely is one. It makes sense. Conan kills some sorcerors, which is all I really wanted. 7.
C - Comedy: There is really no comedy at all. I mean, that I remember. 2.
A - Awesomeness: Conan kills a guy with his sword like, once every thirty seconds for most of the film. Did they have it coming? Who gives a shit? 8.
L - Ladies: I am 80% sure there were some topless wenches that Conan and Black Conan manhandled into having rough medieval sex with them. If not, it was a sex dream I had while I was asleep, which is probably bad for Dan, who was sitting next to me. Sorry if I got anything on you, Dan.
E - Et Cetera: The other bizarre thing that merits a mention is that there was a kid of around 16 years sitting in our row who was clearly autistic. He had a pacifier in his mouth. For most of the film, this 16 year old autistic kid was sat in his father’s lap being comforted… because the film was so fucking violent. Team MM is really kind of against young or mentally handicapped people being brought to insanely violent films. It was bad enough listening to a 6 or 7 year old girl telling her mum that she wanted to go home and she didn’t like this, during FINAL FUCKING DESTINATION 5, A FILM ABOUT FUCKING GRISLY DEATH AND THE INEVITABILITY OF YOUR OWN FUCKING DEMISE. I give Conan a 0 for Et Cetera for this highly inappropriate parental behaviour.
Next week: Fright Ni — oh wait!
So we go back to the Pink Taco, where we are joined by Margarita Movie Guest Stars David and Andy, who can immediately detect that we are kind of wasted. Rina is still behind the bar, and convinces us that pitchers of margaritas are a really good idea. So we top up our already ruined bodies with yet more booze, which as it turns out, was more than we were prepared for.
Man! So at this point we are kind of trashed. But Margaritanauts never give up! Fright Night is a remake of an old 80s horror film I haven’t seen about a vampire moving in next door to the unlikely hero. Our hero in this case is the ‘09 model Chekov from Star Trek, a plucky young man who lives in a weirdly rectangular little group of houses just outside Las Vegas, the city where dreams are not only crushed but first convinced to become prostitutes for other dreams, then hooked on drugs, and then really well and truly crushed.
Wouldn’t you know it, his next door neighbour, dreamy Colin Farrell in his sexy wifebeater, is only a bloody vampire or something. McLovin from Superbad is in this film too, I believe he’s a high school student. Chekov seems like he’s too old for school but he must know McLovin somehow so maybe he’s meant to be a teenager. The details, gentle reader, really do start escaping me at this point.
I’m basically piecing together the plot from the trailer and what I’ve read online, but I believe Chekov has to go and get help from David Tennant, who is playing a sort of showy stage magician of some sort. I don’t know why that makes him useful for killing vampires. Being Doctor Who is probably more useful, because Doctor Who sorts out vampires no trouble. “Oh look, they’re actually aliens, fuck off aliens, let’s go and get breakfast” is how it generally goes.
At this point, all the core members of Team MM fell asleep. Not like, dozing gently, but totally fast asleep. As it turns out, drinking a shitload of tequila plus whatever vile sugary substance they put in it to give it its delicious texture, then sitting down somewhere quite dark, puts people to sleep. The sugar crash just sends you right off. So that is all I can tell you about Fright Night.
I was rudely awoken by Andy, who informed me that the film was, sadly, over, and it was time to go. At this point I felt quite drunk, and my brain was running at about 20% capacity. As Andy drove us home I made some comical attempts to speak but quickly abandoned this as it became clear that the piece of my brain responsible for operating my mouth was possibly the drunkest part of it. Secure in the knowledge of a truly MM-appropriate experience, I got into bed and fell asleep. It was 8:30.
Woe to you, oh Earth and Sea, for the Devil sends the beast with wrath, because he knows the time is short. Let him who hath understanding reckon the SCALE Scale:
S - Story: The trailer made it seem like quite a good story! I presume the vampire was killed at some point. 6.
C - Comedy: I recall finding Doctor Who quite funny. 7.
A - Awesomeness: Vampires! Doctor Who! 8.
L - Ladies: I cannot remember a single female character in this film. I’m sure there were some, but I cannot in good conscience award points without evidence. 0.
E - Et Cetera: I have to give out an 8 just for the body-ravaging level of alcohol we imbibed for this film.
Next Week: Columbiana and Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark!