The MM team has not been idle despite the lack of updates on this blog. Sadly, very few racist incidents have occurred for us to document, and the films we’ve seen we haven’t had much to say about. BUT THEN WE WATCHED A TWILIGHT FILM.
The only really racist incident we’ve witnessed occurred last week. We were sitting in BluJam, at around the time of the Ghana/USA game. Dan was sitting around looking like a black person, as is his nature, and some woman walked by, raised her fist at him and shouted “GHANA!” cheerfully. Dan was not even wearing a daishiki so this is textbook racism in our book.
As longtime readers of this blog may recall, the first review we posted was for Twilight: New Moon. At the time I knew very little about Twilight and now, sadly, thanks to Dan’s “ironic” obsession and some lengthy conversations with the Pink Taco barmaids, I now know more than I ever really wanted to about it.
In case you are not aware, the world of Twilight is a world where vampires and werewolves exist, and they are fucking dreamy. Vampires can also go out in the sun, but instead of bursting into flame, they just sparkle, like a unicorn took a shit on them. They are also totally non-threatening and would never think of just casually banging the fuck out of a girl like regular people - they will just gently hold you and stroke your hair and never go within two feet of your gusset even if you are frothing at the gash. Teenage girls apparently REALLY like this. All the women I know are not teenaged and prefer the True Blood style, where any woman that comes near a vampire gets split up the middle.
So anway, at the end of the last film, Edward, a vampire so shit that even Count Duckula is a better vampire, proposes to Bella, an equally shit human female. Since Twilight is all a love story between Edward and Bella, the suspense of what her answer will be is so thick you could spread it on your toast. SPOILER: SHE SAYS YES.
But it’d be a short fucking film if that was all there was to it, so there are two major issues that drive the plot of Eclipse. Firstly, Jacob (a fairly shit werewolf) is ineptly trying to bang Bella. Secondly, Justin Bieber, or a vampire that looks awfully like him, is trying to raise an “ARMY OF VAMPIRES” (around 15 of them) who will then come and attack our heroes, for reasons I was unable to identify.
The main action thrust of the film is the approach of this army of vampires. The goodies are bricking it so hard that they arrange a team-up between the werewolves and the vampires to hand out some supernatural beatdowns to the “army”. There’s a lot of noise made about how the army are all newborn vampires, who have a kind of vampire equivalent of retard strength because they are freshly undead. That means it’s time for a training montage so some goodie vampires can tell all the werewolves how to beat up vampires. This doesn’t happen. Instead they just do some shitty vampire kung fu for a bit. This actually turns out pretty well, because the newborn vampires don’t turn out to be much of a challenge.
There are some moral lessons to be learned in some short scenes that show how the vampires in the cast were turned into vampires. One of them is a Confederate soldier from the US civil war. The lesson here is, if you are a fucking racist, being polite will make people forget you were pro-slavery. One of them was a perfectly nice lady from 18th century society whose fiancé casually tried to gangrape her with all of his 18th century chums. She was so furious she told him she’d see him the next day when he wasn’t so gangrapey (I am not making this up). The lesson here is: if you are a woman, when you are gangraped, you are allowed to be cross. There’s another flashback where a woman distracts two vampires having a ruck by stabbing herself to death in front of them - this genius manoeuvre sends the vampires into a frenzy of bloodlust such that they can be murdered by a werewolf. THIS WILL BECOME IMPORTANT LATER.
Remember when I said THIS WILL BECOME IMPORTANT LATER? That’s now! Shitty Vampire Edward is having a fight with this redhead vampire whose name I can’t remember. It’s all going off like a frog in a sock, and then Bella has the genius idea, based on the story earlier, to cut her arm, making herself bleed, distracting the vampires, so Shitty Werewolf Jacob can take them unawares and WIN! This makes the original woman in the story look pretty fucking stupid, because she killed herself when it was seemingly totally unnecessary.
There are absolutely no casualties on the goodie side in the big battle, somewhat negating the talk earlier about how newborn vampires are rock hard. Wouldn’t you know it though, after the battle is seemingly over, one sneaky newborn vampire catches our man Jacob (Peen Wolf? No? Ok, back to the drawing board) and crushes his body! At least, they say his body is crushed. It didn’t look very crushed to me, the SFX budget clearly did not extend that far. Things only happen in Twilight when the plot absolutely demands it, not when the scene implies it would make sense.
After all this drama, a bunch of goth pricks turn up in some lace outfits and cloaks and stuff, talking like complete cunts. These utter wankers are some sort of Vampire High Command, and they swan in, act the prick a bit, then leave. They are representative of the near-total lack of characterisation in Twilight - they are vampires, therefore they are snooty, condescending pricks, and if you want more characterisation than that, well fuck off and watch True Blood. There’s not much more in the way of characterisation but at least there are boobs.
I am still completely unable to work out why anyone would fancy Bella. She’s clumsy, stupid and constantly miserable. She’s not charming or funny. She doesn’t seem to have any hobbies other than complaining and sulking. The psychology of the Twilight “Saga” is obvious - dull teen girls furiously flicking themselves off to the thought of all these dreamy vampires and werewolves seeing through a dull teen girl’s dull outward persona to her amazing hidden depths. Those depths are not featured in the films I’ve seen. She just looks mildly retarded, like she doesn’t know where she is.
Roll on Breaking Dawn!
The world is a vampire… sent to the SCALE Scale!
S - Story: 3. It’s not a 1 because stuff kind of happens and it’s coherent and I mostly understand it, but it is mind-crushingly dull and stupid.
C - Comedy: 3. This film was not as comedic as the last one. In fact it was just really, really boring. I’m fairly certain it was at least five hours long.
A - Awesomeness: 6. I will be fair, Shitty Vampire Edward does rip another vampire’s head off. There’s some lame-ass vampire kung fu even though the entire vampire cast doesn’t look like it could win a fight against a squad of retarded schoolgirls, if all the schoolgirls had their arms and legs tied behind them. And were drunk.
L - Ladies: 3. What the fuck happened to Hot Vampire? I don’t like her new haircut. She’s still a clear would but I’m docking several points for her rubbish new style. Bella can FUCK OFF, I wouldn’t touch her with Nosferatu’s cock.
E - Et Cetera: 5. On the one hand, another Twilight film has been watched, so I never have to sit through it again. On the other, there are two more of the fuckers to come.