Have you seen Michael Bay’s Transformers? It came out a few years ago, and it’s dreadful. Have you seen Michael Bay’s Transformers 2? It came out a few years ago, and it’s dreadful and racist. Seriously racist. Gangsta caricature robots who cannot read, have gold teeth, and drop n-bombs cavort like idiots for the amusement of the audience. It’s a dark time. Not as dark, however, as the Pink Taco with no female bar staff on-duty. It’s not called the Pink Burrito!
So anyway, Transformers: Dark of the Moon is such a shitty-looking prospect despite costing like, half a billion dollars to make, that it was just Dan and I today. We had scant time to get wasted before the film, but there was no fucking way on Earth we were going into this motherfucker sober, so we threw down a herculean amount of booze in a herculean amount of time. Two shall stand, two shall sit for two and a half hours.
Shia LaBoeuf is a professional douchebag. He plays Indiana Jones’ douchebag son, Optimus Prime’s douchebag friend, Gordon Gekko’s douchebag protegé, and he’s so fucking method that in real life he is in fact a douchebag. You have to respect that kind of dedication to one’s craft. He’s been seen in the previous two films shagging Megan Fox, an entity so sexy that she goes all the way back around and becomes pure gauche tackiness. I find it impossible to have any kind of sexy thought about Megan Fox because there’s just too much of her. Like, I’d say “hello, how are you?” and she’d put her finger up my bottom. Anyway, she was ousted from the Transformers franchise for calling Michael Bay ‘Hitler’, so she’s been replaced with a duck-faced British model who, in terms of acting ability, makes Megan Fox look like Helen fucking Mirren.
Shia LeDouche and Megan Fox 2.0 live in the world’s most beautiful hipster loft in Washington DC despite Shia being broke. Megan Fox 2.0 seemingly pays for everything with her job working for “SOMEONE”. “SOMEONE” has bought her a very expensive sexy car. Michael Bay, please. This is a film where robots turn into sexy cars. Are you seriously expecting us to think a $200k sexy Mercedes is not at some point going to turn into a robot? Spoiler: IT DOES, LATER.
Anyway, the main thrust of the film is that millions of years ago on Cybertron, a spaceship containing vitally important technology buggered off for some reason and then by some MIRACLE, landed on Earth’s moon with the intent of being featured in the third Transformers film. There is one transformer on that spaceship, and it is Leonard Nimoytron. Leonard Nimoy was the voice of the villainous demi-god transformer Galvatron in the 1986 animated Transformers film (a film most dear to me). This is important, because his character does a highly predictable heel turn about halfway through the film.
The vitally important technology that would have won the war for the Autobots is in fact ‘space bridge’ teleportation technology that can teleport an ENTIRE PLANET (i.e. Cybertron) to Earth. I don’t know why this technology would win any war. I don’t know why any transformers want to teleport Cybertron to Earth. I have a sneaking suspicion that the whole ‘space bridge’ concept is a reference to the classic G1 episode ‘Transport to Oblivion’, and the whole ‘teleporting Cybertron to Earth’ concept is a reference to the classic G1 episode ‘The Ultimate Doom’. Yeah, I’m a nerd, what of it?
Anyway, Megatron has started wearing a headdress and living in the desert, and turning into one of the vehicles from Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior. If I didn’t know better I’d say Michael Bay was trying to make us draw associations between the Decepticons and Arabs, but — no wait, that’s exactly what he’s doing. Megatron and some elephants are hanging out in the desert somewhere scheming like motherfuckers about how they are going to jazz up the third act in an exciting fashion. Shockwave - or at least, a grey pile of spikes that I’m told is Shockwave - has some robot sandworm things, for some reason. The reason is more than likely ‘Michael Bay thinks this looks cool’.
STUNNINGLY, the sexy car that Duckfaced Megan Fox 2.0 has been given turns out to be Soundwave, or at least, a pile of grey spikes that I’m told is Soundwave. Soundwave sends Laserbeak - or at least, a pile of grey spikes that I’m told is Laserbeak - out to do some damage in the service of The Plot, such as it is. The car was given to Duckface by some treacherous humans that have sided with the Decepticons, for a reason not made fully clear to me.
Michael Bay finds gayness very amusing. As such, there is a comedy toilet scene with Shia LeDouche and Senor Chang from Community, shortly followed by the grisly death of Senor Chang. That is pretty much all Michael Bay has to say on the topic of gayness. Team Margarita Movie is fully down with the gays, so we find this just as offensive as all the racism.
I think around this point in the film, Chicago gets overrun by the Decepticons. I didn’t realise Chicago was a real city, I thought it was just a musical. Anyway, the Decepticons have some spaceships that float around causing trouble, and some smaller one-robot spaceships that float around causing very specific trouble. I think that any spaceship or vehicle in a transformers film that DOESN’T turn into a robot is unspeakable bullshit, but nonetheless.
What with the third act kicked into action by a generic inciting event, it’s time for the black people to show up. Tyrese Gibson is working as some kind of baggage handler around a space shuttle worksite, in a scene presumably set shortly after Fast Five, but all it takes is a whiff of trouble and he is somehow back in action, spouting Black People Talk and fistbumping anyone he sees with the same colour skin as him. Michael Bay teaches us the inherent wisdom and sensibleness of black people, and also their willingness to risk their lives in order to save white people. It’s a dichotomy that takes some lengthy contemplation to fully understand.
So anyway, Leonard Nimoytron betrays everyone, teams up with Megatron, and starts teleporting Cybertron to Earth. After a few exciting action scenes where shit explodesin slow motion, we’re invited to care about Shia LaDouche’s mission to save Duckface Megan Fox 2.0 because they have the kind of true love that is really, really important. If it wasn’t for their tedious douchebag love affair presumably all the soldiers wouldn’t need to be there at all, since all the fights are won by Autobots. Many of the soldiers die.
Optimus Prime, at this point, gets tangled up in some wires. Uh-oh! And there he stays for the next ten minutes, while some other stuff happens off-screen. Him being tangled up allows some Peril to be generated for the characters we’re supposed to like, until OPTIMUS PRIME RETURNS! He takes out Megatron AND Leonard Nimoytron in about thirty seconds, which makes you wonder why he didn’t do that earlier, or in a previous film.
This film is a million times better than Transformers 2. It is still a piece of shit. I can’t explain what Megatron is getting out of the scheme, or for that matter Leonard Nimoytron. They’re going to bring Cybertron to Earth, and then what? Seemingly there are less than 20 living transformers - what are they going to do? Why do they expect me to care about Shia LeDouche and his duckfaced sweetheart? What are the Decepticons really going to do when they take over the world?
Here is the thing. I have watched a ton of romantic comedies or straight up love story films, and for some reason NONE of them have a b-plot dedicated to transforming robots fighting each other and blowing things up. I don’t understand how this is fair. Either I get transforming robots in romcoms, or you get your shitty love subplots out of my transforming robots film.
The first comic I ever owned, and the oldest personal possession I still own, was Transformers UK #29, bought for me by my father in 1985. I still have it. I like Transformers. It’s a brilliant if nerdy concept. I think the question “what would Transformers look like if it was created by, for and starring douchebags” has now been adequately answered.
More than meets the SCALE Scale!
S - Story: 2. About as coherent and compelling as Desertion of the Dinobots.
C - Comedy: 4. Roughly as racist as Five Faces of Darkness.
A - Awesomeness: 7. About as action-packed as War Dawn.
L - Ladies: 3. She has a face like a fucking duck. About as sexy as The Girl Who Loved Powerglide.
E - Et Cetera: 2. As stupid as Starscream’s Ghost.