Margarita Movies

1. Vanessa the Pink Taco barmaid today asked Dan if he would like some watermelon, as he is black. She is now part of Team MM.

2. Kendall the Pink Tack barmaid today did an impression of my accent (British) that was so offensively racist it’s going on the list along with Paul Revere and the 4th of July.

I was hoping someone would ask Han (Chinese) if he ever visited his parents back on the boat, but sadly we were one short of a hat-trick and it was not meant to be.

Hey, remember that Cameron Diaz? Let’s see what she’s been up to since her last brilliant film, which was, er, I don’t know. Was she ever in anything good?

In this film, which is allegedly a comedy, Cameron Diaz is a woman who is engaged to be married to a rich man, purely because he is rich. But she’s sassy! So you’re supposed to be on her side. But it ALL GOES SOUR!

Look at that tagline in the poster. She doesn’t give an “F”. HA HA HA fuck you.

So anyway, she’s a teacher at this school somewhere in America, and she sucks. Jason Segal is the gym teacher, and Justin Timberlake is some other teacher. She likes Justin Timberlake, and Jason Segal likes her, even though he has no reason to because she is a terrible person.

Cameron Diaz basically looks like a busted old lady in this film. You could fall to your death in those crow’s feet. They kept doing these dramatic slow motion scenes exposing her astonishing sexual charisma while washing cars and walking around in a skirt and heels, like in those other films with sexy ladies, and I kept wondering when Monica Bellucci was going to show up. She has the kind of figure where there is not a single spare ounce of fat anywhere at all, which is quite impressive if you like waifish skinny girls. Personally I think having sex with her would be like fucking a sack full of wire coat-hangers. But apparently many people think she is a very pretty lady, so who am I to judge? All I’m saying is, if you put Christina Hendricks in that role, I would believe it.

So there’s this kind of love triangle thing going on with Justin Timberlake and Jason Segal. At one point Justin Timberlake gets on stage to do a musical number and you think man, this film is about to kick into high gear because Justin Timberlake is a man who is a serious contender for the title of King of Pop after Michael Jackson died. But they completely blow that opportunity, to have him strum a guitar a little bit and warble ineffectually about nothing much at all. 

At this point I was punching Dan about once every five minutes for making me see this film. 

So… Jesus, what happens next. I had a bunch of booze in me for this. If I have to see a Cameron Diaz rom-com you had better believe I will need a tequila cushion to make it through. As it was I barely made it out.

Cameron Diaz in this film is meant to be all sassy and immoral but it just makes her kind of unlikeable. The film is meant to be the kind of irreverent story where that kind of thing works, but for that to work, crucially the film needs to be funny. And this film is NOT.

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Long story short, she gets with Jason Segal and learns the value of being a good teacher. The funniest part in the film is where a dowdy schoolteacher drives some sort of hatchback Subaru, and I turned to Dan and said, isn’t that your car. Dan gave me The Finger. Han, on the other side of Dan, said isn’t that your car, and also received The Finger for his trouble. Apparently one is a Legacy and the other is a Forester or something. They look the same to me.

Earlier in the week Dan claimed that white people have never written a song about dancing. Dan is a fucking racist. I pointed out several tracks, including:

David Bowie - Let’s Dance
Bryan Ferry - Don’t Stop The Dance
Lords of the New Church - Dance With Me

At this point he revised his story so that white people had never written a song about a SPECIFIC dance, in the style of The Twist, The Macarena, et cetera. Eventually he sabotaged his own belief by mentioning Vogue, but I’m also claiming The Locomotion (written by Carole King, originally performed by a black person who Dan claims is famous, but popularised by Grand Funk Railroad and Kylie Minogue IN MY VIEW). I’m also having Do The Bartman and there must have been some sort of Batusi song that counts. I’m claiming that Let’s Dance is a song about a specific dance because it contains the lyrics “put on your red shoes and dance the blues”. If that isn’t instructional, I don’t know what is. 

Oh, also The fucking Timewarp!

Visions of swastikas in my eyes, plans for the SCALE Scale!

S - Story: 2. Utter crap.

C - Comedy: 4. Which for a comedy is preeeeetty lame.

A - Awesomeness: 1. You get JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE in your film and don’t let him do a musical number? You IDIOTS.

L - Ladies: 2. Cameron Diaz? I guess, if you like that sort of thing. Team Margarita Movie DOES NOT.

E - Et Cetera: 6.66% for the Pink Taco barmaids managing to say outrageously racist things to two-thirds of Team MM!

-Nick

Next Week: I have a deep dark fear that next week is Transformers 3. Send help. And heroin.