Dan keeps asking waitresses what they would do if they won the lottery. Most of the time they say boring things like they would go travelling or buy a nice house. Dan asked Alicia, who is probably the barmaid we are on the friendliest terms with at the Pink Taco, and she gave us some nonsense about saving starving children in Africa.
Dan cut her off, and said “no, something all about YOU”. Without even missing a beat, Alicia said “Oh, I would get SO MUCH plastic surgery.” Team MM was shocked. We all live in Los Angeles and this is the Pink Taco, but even so, such brazenness is surprising. She continued: “I would get bigger boobs and a Brazilian butt implant. And then I would buy an island and run around naked.”
When she said ‘bigger boobs’, Han made an amazing face, the kind of face a man would make if he found out his entire world wasn’t real and he was living in a computer simulacrum, or that his wife was in fact a spy, or that Barack Obama is really a white guy wearing blackface. Alicia ALREADY HAS massive boobs. They are basically bigger than her head and she wants more size in those mofos?
This mind-boggling revelation unleashed upon us, we went to see a film.
Ok so. There are these rich kids, who mostly live on Elm Street, and they are having nightmares. In these nightmares, a scary man with a weird sort of knife glove thing terrorises them and kills them, and what he does in the dream world ACTUALLY MANIFESTS IN THE REAL WORLD! Pretty scary eh! Actually, it really isn’t. There are no scares in this film. Like pretty much all modern horror films, the scares are of the BOO MADE YOU JUMP variety rather than anything really chilling happening.
So a couple of these kids get murdered by this Freddy character, in their dreams, like. Beaver from Veronica Mars and a fairly stock standard Slightly Gothy Teen Girl are the heroes of the hour, so once all the chaff is murdered in lightly entertaining ways, they’re the ones who have to go and do some stuff to save the day.
Apparently in the original Nightmare film, Freddy is just a dude who murders people. In this bold new version, he is a legit paedophile. This is kind of a grim concept for a schlocky horror film. Demonic dream murderer: fun concept. Demonic dream paedophile: inappropriate. Especially as there was a family next to us with kids as young as 7 or 8 (gasp!) who were whooping along with joy when Freddy would slash someone up with his knife-glove thing.
Freddy Krueger fucking LOVES puns. Aside from fucking kids and cutting people up, his main hobby is making woeful puns to people he’s terrifying. It undercuts the horror a bit to say the fucking least when this terrifying spectre of kiddie-fiddling death is giving it “what a WET DREAM” when people fall in pools of blood in the dreamworld. Apparently it’s like this in the chilling 80s originals as well.
Also his voice sounds fucking ridiculous. It’s like Christian Bale’s Batman voice - stupid.
The only really chilling part of watching this film was Team MM-related. This might shock people but three men who drink 3-4 Pink Taco margaritas before a film get kind of sleepy. Han and Dan are basically guaranteed a ten minute nap in the middle of most films we see. I generally stay awake but this week I was drifting off a bit. Dan happened to be wearing a stripey shirt like Freddy so I was having terrifying visions of Dan the demonic dream murderer/paedophile sneaking up on me and saying things like “DOUBLE MARGARITA MOVIE WEEKEND!” and “NEW TWILIGHT SEQUEL!”
It turns out that Freddy is annoyed because The Kurgan from Highlander burned him alive for fiddling with all those kids. It’s not explained why he has all these ghostly paedophile abilities. I guess just because he’s a bad person.
The film is really not much fun. There’s not much in the way of amusing murders, and the paedophilia thing really robs the film of any decent yuks. There is NO FEMALE NUDITY IN THIS FILM, I REPEAT, NO FEMALE NUDITY. Slightly Gothy Teen Girl has a bath at one point - the perfect opportunity for some salacious gratuitousness, but apparently these days boobs are out and kiddie fiddling is in. You can’t expect me to sit through two hours of horror film with only the slightest hint of a sideboob to keep me interested. You just can’t.
The SCALE Scale knows where you sleep:
S - Story: 6. It makes sense although it is predictable. For a while the story looks like it’s going to be pro-paedo but it pulls it back by the end.
C - Comedy: 2. Paedophiles are not funny. Ok, they are. But this one isn’t.
A - Awesomeness: 3. Paedophiles are DEFINITELY not awesome.
L - Ladies: 3. There are some lovely young things but they’re screaming and crying and never naked. Crying is sexy but the screaming is a bit much.
E - Et Cetera: 4 for the plastic surgery BOMBSHELL at the Pink Taco.