Margarita Movies

I’m 30 years old! FUCK. This weekend has been pretty intense. So anyway, April Fools Day is my birthday. This year I am 30 ancient years old, which I am not happy about. Team Margarita Movie’s innate goodness made it all better, though. 

So Dan and I have the customary pre-MM BluJam lunch. Kamil, the guy who owns the place, sang me happy birthday in a sexy Marilyn Monroe voice and the wait staff there definitely know my name now. We then headed to the Pink Taco where, tragically, Han could not drink, as he recently had a wisdom tooth out. He was on vicodin though, so he actually seemed more wasted than usual. He was so high during the film that he was making really strange comments and noises, actually. The film was this:

The film fucking sucks. Everyone looks ridiculous, especially Liam Neeson’s crazy Xanadu disco armour. All the dialogue is dumb. This review will be kept very short because the stuff that happened after the film is way better than the film itself. The only really notable thing in the film is that Gemma Arterton tells Perseus to “EASE YOUR STORM” at one point when he is about to bang her and we have been saying EASE YOUR STORM at each other since we saw the film because it is so ridiculous.

Characters just show up for no reason. At one point two guys say hey, we know how to kill all kinds of stuff, we’re coming along on your quest. Then later they say well, we’re not going into the Underworld, so see you! We have no idea what their or pretty much any characters’ names were.

Hush hush, keep it down now, The SCALE Scale!

S - Story: 3. I know it’s dumb to point this out but pretty much every situation in this film is resolved with a deus ex machina. Irony!

C - Comedy: 8. There’s a lot of stuff in this film that is unintentionally hilarious, like the methed-out preacher guy, or everyone wearing eyeliner for no reason at all.

A - Awesomeness: 6? I guess there is a kraken for like three seconds of film. 

L - Ladies: 6. Medusa was a total Would. Gemma Arterton is actually hotter than the sun but her ponderously boring character did nothing for me.

E - Et Cetera: 10. But for the stuff that happened afterwards.

So. Dan and I head to Birds, an amazing bar that is responsible for several personal drunken black-outs. It’s my birthday and booze is starting to flow. Even close personal friend Lou is drunk, which is pretty special because he doesn’t drink. We notice a bachelorette party a few booths down. The bachelorette is holding a blow-up inflatable doll. It’s ‘black’, i.e. has a sambo-style face and is brown, and has a big cock. Team MM and associated friends all decide that this is RACIST. In case you have forgotten the Team MM position on racism, we are against it.

Dan, in his noble quest to make sure I have an amazing birthday, sets it up so the bar owner announces on the intercom that I have bought everyone in the place a shot. So I go up to the bar while everyone cheers and congratulates me, and one of the barmaids teaches me how to make a chocolate martini. As I go up there, a girl from the bachelorette party starts hitting on me like whoa. I am actually quite shy, so, freaked out by all this attention, I head back to our table. After I regroup Dan says, hey, go get those girls over here. He’s a married man but he’s always in favour of mixing up groups and his mind is always on my happiness.

So I go over to the bachelorette party and say hey, come over, my friends want a picture with your racist doll. This went down like a shit sandwich. I had forgotten in my drunken state that one thing you absolutely cannot do to Americans is call them racist, because they will get out of control indignant about it. The bachelorette got FURIOUS. I bravely took total responsibility of the situation by saying hey, I didn’t say you were racist, my two black friends over there did. So at that point it’s all-out war. 

She came back to our table a sum total of five times, in her outrage. As we were all kind of drunk, this was hilarious to us. One thing that all people should know is that you cannot win an argument with drunk people who are laughing their arses off at you.

She started actually dangling this doll over our table. Lou pointed out that this looked kind of like she was lynching the doll as the doll’s neck was handcuffed to her wrist. This also did not go down very well. She is shouting things at us like “I AM NOT A RACIST” and “I AM MARRYING AN INDIAN MAN, THAT MAKES IT OK”. First of all, saying you are marrying an Indian man does not make it ok. Second of all, we did not care all that much if she was a racist or not but it was very funny to accuse her of being so.

She also accused US of racism! “YOU SHOULD LOOK AT YOURSELVES, YOU’RE THE RACISTS” and so on. She actually asked “WHICH OF YOU IS THE MOST RACIST?”. She may have been leading up to something, I’m not sure. Dan and I both pointed at each other when she asked this, because if there’s one thing the Margaritanauts recognise in ourselves, it’s our own flaws.

Then she goes nuclear! My friend Aman was sitting next to me - ironically, he happens to be Indian. He is a quiet and peaceful man and wasn’t even drinking so was not even vaguely responsible for the carnage that was being unleashed. The woman suddenly shouts SEE HOW YOU LIKE IT and shoves the doll’s inflatable penis into Aman’s mouth.

Our table is basically laughing itself to death at this drunk woman’s insistence that she is not a racist. We’re not sure if her friends are trying to calm her down or egging her on in telling off THOSE ASSHOLES OVER THERE, but she was quite livid. Eventually she leaves, and we can see her outside telling random strangers that she is definitely not a racist and that those people over there are pricks. 

From then, thinks just got ridiculous. My CEO rang me at one point in the evening saying hey, we have a work situation going on, I know it’s your birthday but there’s some stuff that needs doing ASAP (I’m a software engineer). I thought, well, I’d better take it easy. This was basically impossible because any time I turned down a drink Dan would get me another one. I estimate that over the course of the evening I had ten jack and diets, a chocolate martini, a shot of whatever it was, a blowjob shot (a vulgar concept), plus the margaritas from earlier. HOWEVER. I have woken up this morning, and before even 10:00AM, have debugged a complex timezone-related date problem on a server in Singapore, fixed the issue, and consulted with my CEO about various technical matters (and told him this story). I feel like I personally am the son of Zeus.

-Nick