Margarita Movies

Apparently Han and I were mistaken about it being International Black Day last week because Dan showed us how it was done this week by wearing a truly awesome daishiki. We totally fucked him by wearing very sensible, normal t-shirts. Thus, the bonds of MM remain strong. Some booze thrown down, we were ready for some comedy.

There’s not much to say about Hot Tub Time Machine. It’s pretty good. It’s already a comedy, and a funny comedy, so outlining the plot in the trademark Margarita Movie style is kind of pointless because the people that wrote the film will have spent longer coming up with jokes than I’m about to.

Relax, don’t do it, when you want to go to it! Relax, don’t do it, when you want The SCALE Scale!

S - Story: It’s like 9. It’s a good concept.

C - Comedy: 10. It’s a funny comedy!

A - Awesomeness: 6. Poison are in it but Every Rose Has Its Thorn is NOT played, repeat, NOT PLAYED.

L - Ladies: There are unclothed human female breasts in this film. Team MM has been living on scraps for a long time. We’ve seen so many grim war films where the only ladies we see are blown up by landmines and wearing burqas that seeing a film with actual boobs in it is equivalent to getting invited to the Playboy Mansion. I wouldn’t like to go overboard though. 8.

E - Et Cetera: 5.

That’s a pretty short Margarita Movie review though, so I would like to discuss a film that Team Margarita Movie did in fact not see:

Apparently in this film, the Twilight Vampire and Claire from Lost both bond over their respective personal tragedies - presumably, that Twilight sucks and that Claire has hardly been in Lost for the last two seasons.

Anyway, it’s a romantic drama and these two miserable bastards hit it off or something. He looks like a fucking owl and she has a ghastly Australian accent (“Chaaahleee, sayve moii bayybeeee Chaaaahleeee!”) so a better title for the film might be BEGGARS CAN’T BE CHOOSERS. 

Anyway the final scene in this film, apparently, is Twilight Vampire going to work in a skyscraper office building in New York. Which turns out to be the WORLD TRADE CENTER, because it’s SEPTEMBER 11TH, in the year TWO THOUSAND AND ONE, and there’s a fucking AEROPLANE COMING TOWARDS THE BUILDING. Apparently on this day there was some sort of TERRORIST ATTACK that you may have forgotten about even though you said you would never forget, called NINE FUCKING ELEVEN.

TWIST!

Team MM was very upset when we heard about this twist because if we had been watching the film we would have gone fucking BALLISTIC. When it was revealed in Book of Eli that Denzel was fucking BLIND the entire time, we all stood up and started shouting. If we had this 9/11 twist sprung on us, especially after sitting through two hours of romantic drama, we would have started a riot in the AMC 15. Dan would have woken up as he realised what was going on and thrown an usher through the screen. Han would have continued sleeping for the next ten minutes but when he woke up he would be EQUALLY FURIOUS. For my part I would have killed everyone within a ten mile radius with my deadly hands.

When your world is full of strange arrangements, and gravity won’t pull you through, you know you’re missing out on something, well that something depends on The SCALE Scale!

S - Story: 1! This story sounds TERRIBLE.

C - Comedy: 8. We have had a lot of laughs from talking about this ludicrous-sounding film.

A - Awesomeness: 9. Man, if an aeroplane crashes into a skyscraper, that is a lot of explosions and stuff. I’m assuming the last half hour of the film is an awesome action sequence and not a gloomy fade-out to credits. Please note that Team MM does not consider terrorism to be awesome.

L - Ladies: 2. Claire is like the tenth hottest girl in Lost, except when she goes all Hot Topic Goth in that one flashback, but still, it’s too little too late.

E - Et Cetera: 10. Imagine that riot. The Team MM Extreme would have wrecked all of West LA in our rampage.

-Nick

Next week: CLASH OF THE TITANS plus I turn 30. Fuck off.