Margarita Saturday started off a little rough this time.
There was a lot of discussion about whether to see a movie about two best friends that set out to make their mark on the world with their talents or go see Runaways. On top of that Nick was stricken with the Irish Measles or something. Dan ate something that was trying to kill him from inside. Han, as always, remained Han.
Things got on track with the ceremonial post-racial conversation. This was launched from Nick and Han deciding it was Black Day but forgetting to tell Dan. They commemorated it by wearing their most militant Black T-shirts (Nick: the Public Enemy t-shirt John Connor wears in Terminator 2, which he wears primarily to make Dan laugh, and Han: Re-Elect Clay Davis (from The Wire)). From there we moved on to the Hurling of the Slurs, and the drinking of the questionable mixed drinks.
This put us in the perfect mood to watch a movie about an interracial couple who find that their work is coming between them, in the near future.
Repo Men is about two guys (Jude Law and Ghost Dog) who go around reclaiming artificial organs from people. This, obviously, kills the people, but they don’t seem to mind too much, and quite cheerily murder any number of people before disaster strikes and Jude Law gets an artificial heart while on a routine trip to take RZA’s lungs or whatever. Not really sure why RZA was there at all. He shows up, lays down some funky soul rhythms, and then Jude Law gets an electric shock and we never see RZA again. I thought for sure he would be like Mick Fleetwood in The Running Man, leading the resistance, but he’s just gone.
Jude and Ghost Dog have a serious bromance going on. Nick was silently whispering “kiss him!” throughout half the movie, dabbing away a tear with his handkerchief. Dan was actually fast asleep and snoring for most of the movie, because for the most part, it is very dull. Essentially you can predict the plot from the trailer. These callous, devil-may-care honest working men try and do their jobs, but eventually the injustice inherent in the system will fuck one of them and they’ll have to go on the run.
Jude Law gets fucked in this case, and he goes on the run with a lounge singer he fancies, basically for no other reason than that he really quite likes her. They hide out in a ruined block of apartments, and Sabretooth, who runs the evil corporation, sends DUDES after him. Fortunately Jude Law is hard as fuck. At this point Dan and Han were both forced to wake up because the film goes FUCKING BANANAS.
The precise moment at which the film goes bananas is in no question at all. Jude Law sets a deadly trap for the Dude sent to kill him by putting a blanket over a hole in the floor (a hole that we have never seen before) for the Dude to fall through. At this point the dude is in trouble, and the film is fairly sedate and normal. The precise instant where it goes bonkers is when Jude Law drops a typewriter on his head, which makes it burst like a rotten watermelon. At this point Team Margarita Movie sat up sharply with three identical shocked looks on its faces.
We kept those looks on our faces for the rest of the film. There are SO MANY gratuitous killings during this part of the film. People are being stabbed in the throat and shot in the face so much you’d think it’s the latest dance craze.
Jude Law and Lounge Singer Lady try and bust out of America via an airport, but unfortunately Lounge Singer Lady’s knee is spewing blood all over the shop at Terminal 4, which raises some suspicions, and they have to make a shooty break for it.
The final action setpiece of the film is Jude Law and Lounge Singer Lady having to break into the Evil Corporation HQ so they can scan their artificial organs as being returned, so they are out of the system. So Jude Law basically kills every employee of Evil Corporation - WITH KNIVES! They’re using tasers and guns up until that point. There’s really no reason for him to use knives other than that violence is awesome. There’s a brilliant bit where he waves a hacksaw at some goons and we are treated to a HACKSAW-CAM first person viewpoint as it dodges some crafty white people and then slashes up a person with the misfortune of being black in a film. Dan was quite livid.
Anyway, Jude Law and Lounge Singer Lady have to scan all their organs into the system. These organs are obviously, still inside them, so one of the final scenes of the film is the pair of them slicing each other up with scalpels and inserting barcode scanners in the newly formed orifices. What’s more, it’s all shot like a sex scene, with shots of them going “unghhh” and “aaaah” as gaping wounds are opened in their torsos. Oh also, Sing It Back by Moloko is playing over all this. Because Moloko are Nick’s favourite band and this song in particular is high on his list, Team Margarita Movie can reveal to you that the Mousse T’s Feel Love Mix is the particular version being played. If you want to see Jude Law get fisted in his torso to the tune of some light electronica, this is the film for you.
Cut to a beach! Ghost Dog, Jude Law and Lounge Singer Lady are ON A BEACH DRINKING COCKTAILS. This part of the movie is where Team Margarita Movie started losing its shit completely. Then Ghost Dog holds up a book, and it turns out that Jude Law has become a FAMOUS AUTHOR by writing about his experiences. Our jaws were on the floor.
But in a TWIST, it is revealed that this is all a dream sequence, as has been pretty much all of the crazy part of the film, and it’s all just Jude Law’s fantasy, as Ghost Dog knocked him the FUCK OUT and put a Happy-Ending-o-Tron into his brain. Have you seen Brazil? It’s the same ending.
I have succumbed to this passive sensation, peacefully falling away; I am the zombie, your wish will command me, laugh as I fall to The SCALE Scale!
S - Story: 6. Predictable (except the last bit) but staid.
C - Comedy: 8. The laughs at the craaaaazy part of the film really kept us going.
A - Awesomeness: 8. So much violence. We’re men so we like violence.
L - Ladies: 3. Lounge Singer Lady didn’t do much for me, and Jude Law’s wife was so much of a harpy that her son tased her.
E - Et Cetera: 9. THE CRAZY PART.
- Dan and Nick
Next Week: HOT TUB TIME MACHINE.