Zack Snyder made a good zombie film, 7 years ago. He’s been continually pissing away the goodwill from that since then, and Sucker Punch is where he runs out of piss and blood starts coming out, grimy blood that symbolises abuse and loneliness, while a cover of a Eurythmics song plays over the top. Team MM was of course, on the case.
Sucker Punch is a film about a girl who goes to an insane asylum. This insane asylum is basically Moulin Rouge with no singing. This is a vast improvement on Moulin Rouge but still this film is just not good. So there’s this blonde girl, right, and she looks a little bit retarded, like she doesn’t really know where she is. Her hair and make-up are always perfect even when she is rolling around in shit, which is kind of disconcerting.
In Moulin Rouge Asylum, Blonde Retard pals around with four other presumably insane girls, all of whom have stupid codenames I can’t remember. In my head they are Tits, Asian, Pixieface and Sulks. There are some Men knocking about who leer at them all the time and get pretty close to raping them. This is some grim shit for Team MM to have to sit through. The grimmest thing though, is that Sucker Punch puts the woooorst emo covers of obvious songs over the top of several scenes. Sweet Dreams, Where is My Mind, Tomorrow Never Knows, Search and Destroy, White Rabbit, Army of Me… just the most trite, obvious song choices that are generally very literal interpretations of what is going on on-screen. Zack Snyder’s movie soundtrack choices have never really been that good - this is a guy that put Leonard Cohen’s First We Take Manhattan at the end of Watchmen for no other reason than because there is a character called Dr. Manhattan in it. Does Zack Snyder wear a backwards baseball cap and have a soul patch? I think he must. He is like your idiot friend that wants to blow your mind by telling you about this amazing new band he’s discovered called Nirvana.
The main thrust of Sucker Punch is this ‘levels of reality’ thing. There’s the asylum level, which is reality (OR IS IT?), and then there’s the burlesque show level, which is the main character’s dream (OR IS IT?), and then there are some scenes from Battle Angel Alita tacked on top, which are Zack Snyder’s wank fantasy (OR ARE — yes, they are). It is like an Inception of SHIT.
At one point, Blonde Retard fights a Nazi Samurai robot. This sounds awesome, but isn’t. I think this is meant to make you think. I can’t remember who wins. It’s a dream sequence so it doesn’t really matter. The robot probably is probably a metaphor for mental illness. The sword represents therapy.
Later, Blonde Retard and her saucy chums are in a sort of sci-fi WWII sequence where one of them flies a bomber and the rest jump out and fight things. There’s this old bloke giving them orders, I think he represents loneliness. The bomber represents being raped. WWII represents freedom.
Back in the exciting LEVEL ONE or possibly LEVEL TWO, a leering rapist is attempting to lobotomise Blonde Retard with a big drill thing. It sounds like a mercy but it’s presented as BAD. At this point you kind of get the idea that Zack Snyder has definitely seen Brazil. The leering rapist and many other leering rapists are generally narrowly escaped from via the careful application of Girl Power.
You can tell this film is empowering as hell, because even though the girls are raped and beaten and stuff all the time in reality, in their dreams they are strippers, and in the dreams of their dream-selves, they are sort of schoolgirl ninjas with short skirts and swords and guns. I hear that famous feminist Andrea Dworkin personally consulted on how to make this film just empowered all over the place. I bet women everywhere are glad that Zack Snyder deigned to empower them in such a completely brilliant fashion. I’m personally very glad that feminism is now completely unnecessary and everyone can just relax about it and get on with things. As a bonus, Sucker Punch deals with mental illness in such a mature and thoughtful fashion, you will honestly shit.
You are NOT READY for the twist in Sucker Punch. The twist is that while you thought the main character was Blonde Retard, it is actually her teammate Sulks (this claim comes with a Team MM Zero Exaggeration Promise). Blonde Retard is stuck in Moulin Rouge Asylum, but Sulks escapes, and gets on a bus driven by THE OLD MAN GIVING ORDERS IN THE WWII DREAM SEQUENCE. This mindblowing twist makes you question all your preconceptions about this film. The bus driver represents love. The bus represents Blonde Retard. Blonde Retard represents Eurythmics. Sulks represents rape.
The SCALE Scale is made of these, who am I to disagree?
S - Story: Brazil + Inception + Moulin Rouge + Some Anime = 2.
C - Comedy: Ha ha Zack Snyder is directing Superman! Oh wait that’s not funny at all. 1.
A - Awesomeness: What SEEMS like it might be awesome on paper is actually the opposite of awesome. I do not believe this film had a script, it just had Zack Snyder saying “Oh dude, and then —” for an hour. 3.
L - Ladies: There are some ladies in it and they are pretty attractive. If you are one of these weird perverts who thinks girls with guns are awesome in some creepy misogynist wank fantasy way, this film will tickle you. 8.
E - Et Cetera: -10 for 300, -10 for Watchmen. -20. Also, what the fuck does the title mean? Sucker Punch? I guess the audience thinks it will see some cool scenes with some girls fighting Nazi robots and then gets SUCKER PUNCHED with a fourteen year old girl’s diary. UNGH! -30.