Margarita Movies

So I’m sitting at the bar, waiting for DAN AKA WILLIAMS, stuffing my face with chips when my bartender Molly asks me what I’m seeing today.  I have a ton of cornmeal in my piehole at this point, so I cover my mouth and sheepishly say “That Mel Gibson movie.”  I’m used to snark and general disapproval of my lifestyle from my servers, but let’s give it up for Molly for surprising everyone.

“Don’t be ashamed!  I loooooove Mel Gibson.  I’m not Jewish!”

WHOAWHOAWHOA, Mols. You just can’t drop the J-word like that!  We here at Team Margarita love all creeds and colors, and some of us may even have a discrete profile in the gentiles section of J-Date.  It never dawned on any of us that supporting Mel Gibson may, in and of itself, be an act of anti-semitism.  This concerned me for about five more seconds, because after that I was loaded and totally ready to watch EDGE OF DARKNESS.

The movie starts with Mel Gibson as a Boston cop and his hilarious Bostralian accent having a nice dinner with his daughter, who’s been away for awhile.  The daughter seems a bit distant and then she starts bleeding out of her nose and vomiting black gunk, which is terrible dinner table behavior even from family. They head out to the hospital and BLAMMO, the daughter gets shot in the chest by a random uh… shotgunner.

With this sort of setup, you would think the film would unfold like RANSOM or PAYBACK, with a lot of TAKEN mixed in.  OR SO THEY WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE.  In reality, it is an adaptation of a 6 hour British television drama.  whut?

Mel’s a cop, so he figures this is an old collar that’s come back to settle the score and just missed by a few feet, with his daughter being collateral damage.  The next few hours of the film is basically Mel Gibson interviewing people on couches.  He doesn’t even use harsh language on a lot of them!  What does he find out?  His daughter worked for a Superdupersecret Government Organization that made Superdupersecret Nuclear Weapons, and was basically gunned down in the coverup.  Also, she had radiation poisoning.  Gasp.

As Gibson gets closer to the truth… he interviews some more people.  For fuck’s sake.  Finally he interviews a LAWYER named SANDERMAN, and I’m thinking “hey, that’s a Jewish name!”  Maybe finally we will see some Mel Gibson, Jew-Hunter, unleashed in this goddamn movie.  Disappointment reigns, as they talk even more.

There is a point in the movie where the conspiracy (which, obviously, goes ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP) tightens, and ASSASSINS are dispatched to get rid of our talky hero.  These assassins are absolutely horrible at their job.  When an informant meets up with the hero to explain their part in the conspiracy, they should be assassinated right before can give their important evidence.  In this movie, they die right after.  This happens repeatedly, as the writers are clearly tired of writing this movie.

Much like I am tired of writing this review.

In the end, Mel Gibson finally finds the leader of the conspiracy and kills him with radioactive milk in a weird bukkake ritual, before ascending to heaven with the spirit of his daughter.  I didn’t make that part up.

- Han

SCALE*scale

STORY - 2.

COMEDY - 2.

AWESOMENESS - 4.

LADIES - 1.

ETC - 5.  Pretty much all for Mel Gibson’s accent.