We are three guys who go to the Pink Taco bar in West LA once a week for happy hour margaritas, then go see whatever film looks the most fun. Our names are Han, Dan and Nick (nick.locking@gmail.com).
As I write this I have an existential hangover. Outside it is warm and slightly overcast, but in my heart the snowstorm that rages all over the rest of the world has taken hold. WHYYYYYYYYYY
Yesterday’s drinking started at about 2. We went to the Taco and - BULLSHIT ALERT - couldn’t get a seat at the bar. We had to sit at a table, which is rubbish. The annoyance was only slightly alleviated by our waitress’ arse, which she kept waving about in Dan’s face, not knowing the danger she was putting herself in. You don’t play with fire like that!
After the film, we went to our friend Charlie’s going-away party, which was a big Rock Band party in a warehouse full of Roller Derby stuff. It was Hipsterpocalypse. There were a lot of ironic moustaches and three-keyboard-cats-howling-at-moon t-shirts.
After the party, we went to a club - well, I say we. I was the only survivor of the MM crew at this point. I was pretty shitfaced, having been drinking for about 12 hours. I got shitfaced pretty much entirely because of this film:
WARNING: HEAVY SPOILERS FOLLOW. I am seriously going to lay out everything that happens in this film and some of it is a TWIST! HEAVY SPOILERS!
It’s the nuclear apocalypse, which is a pretty bad news bears setting for a story. There’s radioactive ash falling and everything is shot in browny greys, which is how you know this film is not going to be a light comedy. If you’ve played Fallout 3, this film is exactly like that but with Denzel Washington.
Anyway Denzel is lying in wait with a bow and arrow, hunting scrawny cats. He’s dressed like your standard post-apocalyptic loner, except with amazing sunglasses (pictured in poster). In fact, everyone in this film has amazing sunglasses. I guess in the film’s backstory the nuclear holocaust is brought on by a chain of events starting with a massive Ray-Ban fashion monopoly.
He’s walking West for reasons yet to be determined, and he encounters some scavengers. These scavengers have clearly never seen a post-apocalyptic film in their entire life because they are surprised when he hacks them all to pieces with a big knife. YOU DO NOT MESS WITH LONE TRAVELLERS ON THE ROAD. If there are two people, by all means kill them and take their shit. One guy? HE’S ONE GUY AND HE MADE IT THIS FAR. LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE.
It turns out that Denzel is carrying the last remaining copy of the Bible through the wasteland, because that shit is important for some reason. If you aren’t a Christian - as I am not - you might be left thinking “who gives a fuck”. Seriously, how about a medical journal? Science textbooks? Great works of literature? Harry Potter? If he was carrying the last remaining copy of The Dark Knight Returns I would get behind his quest a lot more.
Denzel has a third-generation clickwheel iPod that he listens to Al Green on. The chance of a 2003 hard drive-based iPod surviving until the year 2043 is fucking dubious. I’d be surprised if you could find a functioning one now, let alone post-apocalypse.
The film needs a villain and one is provided in the form of Gary Oldman, who, EXTREMELY conveniently, is obsessed with finding a bible because he thinks the words therein will give him power over the shantytown stragglers he’s ruling. Wouldn’t you know it, Denzel wanders through town and has a little contre temps with Gary Oldman about the book he’s carrying.
You’ve seen this a million times so I won’t bother explaining it in too much detail. Gary Oldman tries to take Denzel’s shit, Denzel kills all his guys. Mila Kunis is knocking about on the periphery for all this, and is so touched that Denzel doesn’t want to bang her that she becomes his sidekick and starts following him around.
Eventually Gary Oldman manages to get the book, at the cost of all of his men, and Denzel and Mila Kunis make it to San Francisco. Denzel has been gutshot. They have to row a boat out to Alcatraz. For some reason, Denzel is the one rowing. FUCKING MAKE MILA KUNIS DO IT! Jesus.
Malcolm McDowell is on The Rock! It turns out he’s running a printing press so he can record great works of literature. Fair enough! But Denzel doesn’t have the book any more! BUT THAT’S OK!
Because the book is in braille, because Denzel is blind, and he has it all memorised.
In braille. Because he’s blind. And he’s memorised it all.
Blind.
Memorised the entire Bible? I can go with that. Braille Bible! Fine.
But he’s blind. For the entire film, Denzel has been chopping fools up with his knife, shooting people on rooftops, hunting animals with a bow and arrow, and generally fucking LOOKING AT THINGS. Over the five minute period where this bit is revealed, all of us watching the film stood up in shock and disbelief. The twist isn’t even necessary! The braille thing is already a twist! Apparently his faith in God has given him the ability to shoot people with unerring accuracy from great distances despite his handicap. He fucking shoots a vulture out of the sky with a bow and arrow!
Anyway Daredenzel (eh? eh?) has just enough life left in him to dictate the entire contents of the King James Bible to Malcolm McDowell before he dies of being shot in the stomach. A little research reveals that an audiobook recording of the King James Bible is over 68 hours long. Assuming he was dictating for about 12 hours a day, that means he survived a solid week - how about fucking treating his gunshot wound?
Anyway his task completed, Denzel dies. Malcolm McDowell puts the freshly printed Bible on the shelf next to other great religious works - right next to the Torah, in fact, making the quest seem a little bit less important since the Torah is the first five books of the Bible.
Mila Kunis inherits all of Denzel’s stuff and decides, for some reason, to go back home to the shitty shanty town she was in at the start of the film. I guess she’s the new Eli? Sheli? Fuck, I don’t know. At this point we were all just saying “uh what just happened?” and trying to fathom how you spring the surprise twist that the main character is fucking BLIND on an audience.
Time for the world-renowned SCALE scale.
S - Story: Uh, the story is kind of cool, but the twist is just… what? WHY IS HE BLIND?! 6.
C - Comedy: There aren’t many laughs in the film, but the blind thing is providing a lot of post-film comedy. 7.
A - Awesomeness: There is a lot of cool shit in this film. Denzel is hacking limbs off of people left and right. 8.
L - Ladies: Mila Kunis is pretty good looking - in fact, suspiciously good looking. I think she’s probably hoarding skin cream and hair products somewhere. GET HER. 6.
E - Et Cetera: 10! 10 for having the sheer audacity to make the main character in your film blind for no reason at all.
-Nick
P.S. BY THE WAY - the entire time I wrote this review, I WAS BLIND.
