We are three guys who go to the Pink Taco bar in West LA once a week for happy hour margaritas, then go see whatever film looks the most fun. Our names are Han, Dan and Nick (nick.locking@gmail.com).
It is a bummer that Heath Ledger died. Since I am Australian (sort of, lived there for a few years and have citizenship), I have followed his career ever since he was doing indie Australian films. The best of these is Two Hands, a very low budget crime thing with him and Bryan Brown. He’s alright in The Dark Knight, I guess - his interpretation of The Joker now seems so stock-standard and obvious that it’s hard to imagine anyone doing any other version, but then maybe that’s why it was good. Anyway, halfway through filming this Terry Gilliam film he was inconsiderate enough to accidentally die a tragic death, leaving Terry Gilliam in a bit of a pickle. How did he deal with it? Let’s find out!
The film takes place in my old home of London, in mostly the shitty bits that I don’t miss at all. This old guy who looks like Dumbledore is some sort of mystic guy that runs a travelling sideshow with Mini-Me, a Likeable Male Lead and a Desireable Young Lady. Trouble is, Likeable Male Lead isn’t likeable at all, he has no charm. As the audience we’re meant to think he’s a decent sort but it’s obvious why he’s been Friendzoned by Desirable Young Lady. The trouble with Desirable Young Lady is that she isn’t much cop either. She’s played by Lily Cole, who has a body so tight you could chop vegetables on it but sadly a face that looks like Chucky from the Child’s Play films.
Things aren’t going well in the travelling sideshow business because they keep doing their show for drunk people in South London at two in the fucking morning. I could have told them far in advance that only a bottling awaits you at that time in South London. For those of you that are unaware of London geography, South London is all of the city south of the River Thames. On average it is distinctly shittier and rougher than the North bits. That’s not to say it’s all awful, or that North London is all nice, but in general if you have an olde-world-y travelling sideshow, take that shit to Muswell Hill or the Notting Hill Carnival, idiots. They are in what looks like Peckham or some other shithole for the most part. Anyway their travelling sideshow has some magic element, and if you go through this mirror then you basically end up in LSD Narnia.
Dumbledore throws the bones at this point and discovers that the plot gods demand that they incorporate Heath Ledger into the troupe immediately, so they rescue him from where he has been lynched and is hanging off London Bridge. There’s no more explanation as to why he’s part of the story coming so don’t get your hopes up. He’s also meant to be likeable, a sort of loveable rogue type, but he’s not really that charismatic either. It’s a pretty crappy role to be honest, and Ledger isn’t that good in it.
Anyway the central thrust of the film, such as it is, is that Tom Waits is the devil and he has a bet on with Dumbledore to get Chucky’s soul when she turns 16, unless Dumbledore can capture a bunch of souls in his Narnia Trip-Out Machine. Tom Waits is pretty good although it seems like they just filmed him in whatever he happened to be wearing that day.
Heath Ledger comes up with the brilliant idea of going to Covent Garden in the daytime rather than Mouth London at chucking-out time to harvest souls, so they get some rich ladies to go into the Brainfuck Amaz-a-tron 5000 so we can see what the rich mind of Terry Gilliam can imagine up to dazzle us with.
The answer, sadly, is not much. The psychedelic landscapes and such look basically like the trippy bits in Beatles Rock Band with shittier music. They’re already stretching audience sympathy to breaking point by replacing Ledger with a bunch of people during these scenes, so having them be really not that interesting is a big misstep. It might have looked kind of trippy and woo-yeah-freaky in 1987, but this is 2010 and time has moved on. Fucking AVATAR came out last week, and in that film, a regular guy became a giant blue cat-man and fucked his new blue cat-girl girlfriend with his glowing ponytail tendrils in a magical psychic internet rainforest full of glowing neon animals, all in 3D no less, and this was presented as an ultra-realistic film experience.
There are some plot twists I kind of failed to follow. The trouble with a film with no narrative rules is, I can’t get involved with the dramatic tension. Why should I care about a plot when something can change it at any time out of nowhere? Everything is so meaningless. It felt like Heath Ledger wasn’t the only one who had taken a massive overdose of depressants half way through this film. Since nobody in the film is likeable including Chucky, I don’t give a shit about any of them. Chucky is basically in indentured servitude to Dumbledore, driving around London in a caravan putting on a show. Hell doesn’t seem so bad, really.
The way they deal with Ledger’s untimely death is, as I have hinted at, to replace him with other actors during the dream sequences. These actors are Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell. Ostensibly he’s better looking in the dream universe, except… Heath Ledger is hardly a bad looking guy. He was good looking enough that Donnie Darko let him fuck him up the gary without even a hint of lube, so it doesn’t quite work that he dreams of becoming as beautiful as Jude Law.
A Bunch Of Stuff happens and the plot kind of meanders to a vague conclusion. It turns out Heath Ledger was a bastard all along but just forgot for some reason, and is chased to his death while he’s being played by Colin Farrell. Colin Farrell banging Chucky is pretty dubious as she’s just turned 16 THAT DAY, but as the film helpfully reminds us, the age of consent in England is 16. Don’t blame me for my kiddie-fiddling nation. Dumbledore loses her but sticks with Mini-Me, and Friendzone gets Chucky up the duff and they live happily ever af-zzzzzzzzz.
Time for the critically-acclaimed SCALE scale!
Story: Really not much. 4? I didn’t care about any aspect of the plot or the characters and none of it holds up to much thought.
Comedy: Again, not much. A little intentional, zero unintentional. We couldn’t even laugh about it afterwards much because it was so dull. 3.
Action: I guess the trippy stuff scrapes its way to a 6.
Ladies: Aside from a collection of ropey chucking-out-time girls and some rich types, Chucky is the only girl in this thing. Her body is a 10 but her face does nothing for me although I believe Dan thought she wasn’t bad. I can hand out a 5 being charitable.
Et Cetera: Dan and I spent the entire ride back in complete silence, unable to muster up even our usual banter. 0. Even Han’s gag that I should have finished 3/4ths of the review then completed the rest in the voice of Johnny Depp didn’t really save this film.
-Nick
