Margarita Movies

Margarita Movie doesn’t always run smoothly. It’s tough out there in the trenches and not everyone makes it back alive. This is one of those times, so join me on a journey back to sometime in September for this Classic Margarita Movie.

K. (name redacted in the name of her dignity) is my ex-girlfriend from England. She came out to visit, to make sure I was doing alright in the colonies. Naturally I brought her along as a special guest star to Margarita Movie. She thought the Pink Taco was basically the greatest place in the world, because she has a juvenile sense of humour, and she even bought one of their slutty vest tops to wear out running. She engaged in a bit of hilarious frank and open discussion with the similarly huge-bosomed Pink Taco girls about accurate fittings. I made her promise never to wear the top in this country.

We’re quite friendly with the barmaids and brotenders at the Taco by now, and this means that they express their love for us by feeding us really, really strong drinks. We are just men, and sometimes when you’re drinking what is ostensibly a single Pink Taco margarita, you might as well just be drinking a pint of heroin. I saw the barmaid who was pouring our drinks make me a margarita - it was in a pint glass, and the tequila went in first. It was full to the half-way mark. That’s half a pint of tequila. For one drink.

At this point my memory starts to seriously let me down. I remember an argument with a couple at the bar over a Human League song. We stole some peoples’ food that we didn’t know. That’s pretty much it. Everyone else’s memories are similarly sketchy. We were in a panic the week after because nobody had any memory of paying our sizeable bar tab.

Miraculously, we actually remembered to leave and go and see the film. At this point everybody is FUCKED. UP. Now, Dan is a fairly large chap, he’s big and tall. Han is of a reasonable size, too. Personally, I’m about average, about 5’10” and 165 pounds, and I was plizzastered. K. is 5’2 & 1/2” and a lady, so she is to say the least slightly intoxicated after the absurd amount of alcohol we’e all imbibed. American drinks are strong to begin with but I think this was basically the most alcohol you could drink in such a small amount of time without actually dying.

We get into the film, and already K. is shouting at British people in the trailers. An usher comes over and tells her to be quiet.

At this point it’s time for the actual film to start, which is: Zombieland!

It’s about… zombies? I guess? I really have very few memories of the film. The story as I understand it is, this guy who is like a poor man’s Michael Cera is in a zombie outbreak, and he meets Woody Harrelson, who is this cool guy in a leather jacket and cowboy hat. It should be obvious that most of my conception of the film comes from the poster above this paragraph.

They buddy up or something, and drive all over… wherever it is… having adventures. Then Poor Man’s Michael Cera runs into these two girls. Looking at the poster, I only remember one girl being in it, but apparently there were two. They have… some sort of romance? Do they make out? I think I might be remembering some of Adventureland, which has the same Poor Man’s Michael Cera and a similar plot, aside from the zombies and me being able to remember it.

I think they sort of drive around for a bit killing zombies, and then there’s some sort of… doublecross? Like the girl, who I think is from Superbad, betrays him somehow? I dont know how you betray someone in a zombie outbreak… does she steal his stuff or something?

At this point my memory of the film is totally blank, partially because I was black-out drunk, but also because I had to go rescue K., who had been throwing up outside and was drunkenly apologising to one of the AMC staff for the pink vomit in the corner.

There’s a surprise cameo from Bill Murray, who is playing himself. I kind of remember seeing him in bad zombie make-up. I mostly know he’s in it from people asking me “hey how about that Bill Murray bit” and me going “what?”

I don’t know if Poor Man’s Michael Cera gets the girl or not. I want to say he does but… maybe not? I think maybe he’s too young for them to have a “he gets her and bangs her!” scene. I don’t know if Woody Harrelson also had a love interest.

Does it end in an amusement park? Maybe on a pier? I remember bright lights, and me thinking “I wish this would end so I could go to sleep”.

That’s all I’ve got.

Time to bust out the patented SCALE scale!

Story: ?. I have really no idea. I can barely describe the story, let alone rate it.

Comedy: 8 - having a Margarita Movie guest star actually get so drunk she had to puke is one of the funniest things ever to happen at Margarita Movie.

Awesomeness: I have to give +5 base for the zombies. Outside of that I couldn’t really say.

Ladies: Superbad Girl is ok, I guess. I’m mostly judging from her appearance in Superbad. Adjusted for how drunk I was she probably looked like a 9 at the time.

Et Cetera: 10. This was the first Margarita Movie where anything quite this brilliantly disastrous happened.

After the film, I was dead to the world and fast asleep by 8:45.

-Nick