Margarita Movies

(This is a retrospective Margarita Movie from a few weeks back. More may be added depending on how well they can be remembered.)

What makes a margarita movie? It’s a difficult question. Lord knows we’ve seen films that have been boring margarita movie experiences. Even ‘good’ films are sometimes completely inappropriate.

The main thing is, a film must be ridiculous and entertaining. It should be over-the-top, unrelenting, and stupid. One of the worst Margarita Movie experiences to date for me personally was The Hurt Locker, a thoroughly worthy film about bomb disposal squads in Iraq or Afghanistan or Texas or some shit like that. When you have three or four margaritas in you, you do not want a sombre reflection on wartime obsession. On the other hand, one of the most amusing Margarita Movie experiences was Chun Li: The Legend of Street Fighter, a film so terrible it seems to have doomed the franchise forever. The main character changes from Chinese to half-Chinese halfway through the film, that’s how bad it is. One of the Black Eyed Peas is Vega.

Sometimes a film comes along that is so perfect, so well suited to Margarita Movie, that the three of us are feverish with anticipation months in advance. That is what 2012 is. Three hours of Roland Emmerich disaster porn, drunk? Yes please.

Ok, so in this film, Chiwetel Ejiofor is a scientist or something. That name is crazy by the way. Apparently his parents’ names are Arinze and Obiajulu and he is part of the Igbo people. Personally I don’t believe any of it. Where was I? Oh yeah - he’s a scientist or something, and he has a mate who lives in India, and he’s worked out that…

Actually I can’t remember any of the science. It’s something about solar flares, or something? And maybe neutrons? I remember thinking ‘this is preposterous’. Even drunk, I was unconvinced by the science.

He presents this terrifying evidence to Fat Politician, and Fat Politician, who is a lot more credulous than me obviously, probably as he was also drunk, immediately promotes Chwitial Eijefor to Top Scientist in All Of America.

This is all pretty dry stuff. Where’s the emotional connection? Well, look no further than John Cusack, the poor man’s Edward Norton, who is busy having a dramatic subplot elsewhere, unaware that the planet is doomed. He drives a limo and is a writer and has an ex-wife and two kids who are under the control of a villainous, moustache-twirling New Husband character, who the film tries to make us hate, but is actually a pretty nice guy and probably a way better father than John Cusack. He’s also Scottie, the slimy, dishonest reporter from the last season of The Wire.

The stage is set! Now, the world suddenly decides to explode. Los Angeles, where John Cusack lives, basically disintegrates into the ocean while John Cusack drives a limo through it. I just moved to Los Angeles from London so this bit was traumatic. DON’T BREAK IT, I JUST MOVED HERE! They get a plane or something, and they are OUT.

The funniest thing about the film is how they suddenly go off on a tangential subplot that nobody cares about. There is serious screen time devoted to how this Russian girl has fake boobs that were given to her by Scottie From The Wire at the behest of her tubby Russian mobster boyfriend. Is he a mobster? Am I just assuming? Am I a racist? Anyway she hates the fake boobs and she is cheating on the mobster with Sasha The Good Looking Russian Pilot Guy. Don’t worry, they are both punished for their infidelity with DEATH.

Pretty much half the planet has exploded by now - which is awesome - and now the main characters have made it to China of all places, where Fat Politician and Chuweitl Ijoffer have built ARKS to save all the rich people on the planet. This is where the only significant part of the film that I consider TOTAL BULLSHIT comes into play. All through the film, they are implying that these arks are spaceships. Crazy Woody Harrelson said they were spaceships. They look like spaceships. We are meant to think that they are spaceships.

It turns out they are boats. This is bullshit. You do not bait-and-switch DOWN to your audience. Say they are boats and have them turn out to be spaceships! Do not promise me something awesome and deliver me something LESS awesome.

The Scooby Gang manages to infiltrate one of these arks with the assistance of the Dalai Lama, who true to form, delivers some wisdom involving tea and then meets his fate with philosophical grace. The gang is sneaking along these passages that are filled with giant cogs and machinery and I got excited because I knew the second I saw two giant cogs someone is going to get crushed between them. It turns out to be SCOTTIE FROM THE WIRE! Bad luck, brother.

Everything starts flooding because the waters have come in, and John Cusack needs to be a god damn hero because Scottie From The Wire just can’t stop fucking things up, and his dead body is making the machinery not work for some reason. John Cusack’s ex-wife, her current husband (who she loves) not FIVE MINUTES DEAD, CRUSHED BETWEEN COGS, decides that the time is now right to make out with John Cusack. She is tonguing the face off this deadbeat dad guy while the man that takes care of and provides for her children with his plastic surgery has been cogged to death. I don’t like to judge, but — SLUT. WANTON WHORE. JEZEBEL.

Anyway the machinery starts working again now Scottie From The Wire’s loser corpse has been dislodged, and the big boat things save a bunch of rich white people as the planet wobbles its way into destruction.

Did I mention Danny Glover is president? He’s president. He doesn’t say he’s “too old for this shit” but he clearly, clearly is. I appreciate that black presidents are in vogue these days, but you can’t just find the nearest black middle aged guy and stick him in your Oval Office set. The call probably went “Hey is this Old Black Guys, Inc.? Morgan Freeman is busy, who else have you got?” But at this point in the film he has been sadly killed by the USS John F. Kennedy falling on him. I swear this is meant to be dramatic irony of some sort but I can’t work out how. His daughter is beautiful, beautiful Thandie Newton. That must have been one good looking First Lady to produce Thandie Newton out of a Danny Glover pairing. Thandie Newton is totally drawn to Cheuwitl Eeijofor because they are of course, both black, therefore bound by fate to have a romantic engagement. I consider this RACIST.

The destruction is OVER! Everything that is going to blow up has blown up. John Cusack has built his new relationship out of the bones of Scottie From The Wire. Cheuwetl Uehjofer has well and truly hooked up with beautiful, beautiful Thandie Newton. And it turns out that the entire planet is not totally destroyed - America is gone, Europe is gone but AFRICA is fine! THE END.

Hold on a fucking minute. Africa? Africa is fucked NOW, let alone after the rest of the world blows up. They’re gonna take these big boats full of rich white refugees, land them in Africa, and… what? They are gonna get sold into white slavery. I hope they have a lot of guns on those boats because those African militias are going to be ready. Also, it seems like about 50% of the world’s population now has HIV. What a fantastic new Eden we’re all going to be living in, post-apocalypse. I’d rather be cogged to be perfectly honest.

Film Quality: C+ (pretty much nothing makes sense)
Action/Violence: A+ (the entire world explodes for three hours)
Women for Ogling: D (don’t just tell me that the Russian has fake boobs - show me, that I might judge for myself)
Unintentional Comedy: B+

-Nick