One third of Team MM is a special birthday boy today, and that third is Dan! Dan treated himself to some pre-birthday Battlefield 3 with his bros (me) last night, and this morning he went to the black barbershop before joining me and MM affiliate Lou for brunch. The black barbershop is, from what I can tell, the purest concentration of black culture in the entire world. Like, you could pluck Kunta Kinte from the 18th century and dress him in an S1W outfit and make him watch every Tyler Perry film, and it still wouldn’t be as black as a black barbershop. Apparently in this barbershop a barber was explaining to someone that the Earth gains its gravity from the Sun, and there is another, 10th planet on the outer edge of the Solar System that travels around the sun once every 3600 Terran years, and it is composed of a dying star, and that is what causes earthquakes. Dan told me about this and I processed it and added it to my understanding of black culture, which now seems less than it was before. We dubbed this fascinating new knowledge Blackstrophysics. Dan actually did astrophysics in college so I think hearing all that caused him actual physical pain.
Apparently in the Pink Taco it was rutting season, as we had a glorious view of a swathe of douchebags, and the kind of girl that will talk to a douchebag, and we were waiting to see who would pair off with whom. Today was a day of great success for douchebags everywhere, as a guy who looked a little like a slightly more twattish Michael Fassbender managed to make out with some slightly drunk girl who should have known better. His friend could probably have got down with her friend, as he was a fairly decent-looking chap, except he had chosen to accessorise with a horrendously stupid-looking gigantic nose-ring. There was also a guy who had a haircut so douchey that we could barely handle it - it was like a giant mohawk thing but with radiating sun lines shaved into the sides. If Jesus himself Returned and saw that guy, He would doubtless encourage everyone around him to deliver unto this guy a solid beating. In His infinite benevolence.
Anyway, we went and saw a terrible film! 7% on Rotten Tomatoes? Oh it is ON motherfucker.
The Devil Inside (someone should tell them that ‘D’ is backwards) is a found footage film, so get ready for 90 minutes of torturous justification for characters steadfastly holding the camera up even though possessed people are giving it YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL and all that.
The Devil Inside starts with an OMINOUS 911 call where some woman is saying she has killed an epic, terrifying three people, in the 80s, which makes it even more terrifying because those people probably died listening to 99 Luftballons. Cut to just enough years later to make this a film set in the modern day, and the daughter of this woman (who, SPOILER, is POSSESSED) is off to the Vatican to drop in, visit her mother, say hi, and maybe exorcise her. Naturally she (I can’t remember her name, let’s just call her The Girl) has brought along a guy with a camera (Camera Guy) to document the whole thing.
They go and see her mum in a Vatican hospital (apparently the Vatican has hospitals), and her mum is fairly obviously possessed. She is saying weird stuff and speaking in foreign languages, and the number one clue is that there’s that weird humming scary noise that’s always in the background during found footage horror films. The Girl and Camera Guy decide to get the fuck out, and then, because they are stupid, they start attending exorcism classes, where they hook up with a bunch of priests.
Everyone’s getting along famously, and all the people in the exorcism class go out to dinner. They have a rousing debate about whether demonic possession is real, and whereas most of the priests believe in it, there’s one guy who thinks it’s all just schizophrenia and so forth. This guy gets about two minutes of screen time and is never seen again. Anyway, at a certain point in the dinner, The Girl says, hey guys, I don’t want to bring everyone down, but my mother was possessed and killed a bunch of people and that’s why I came to Italy and the Vatican, to go and see her. One of the priests says listen, that’s a huge downer, have you considered just going to Venice or the Colosseum or something, those are both lovely, but she is steadfast in ruining everyone’s night.
American Priest and British Priest are two priests from the exorcism class who are operating without Vatican approval, taking the cases that the Vatican has rejected and doing off-the-books exorcisms for people. They are essentially The Frog Brothers from The Lost Boys. They tell The Girl that she should come and check out a for-real exorcism, because exorcism classes are total bullshit and don’t have any practical, hands-on component, raising the question of why were they going to those classes, except to trawl for chicks.
So they all go to check out some possessed girl, and wouldn’t you know it, she’s possessed by some kind of scary demon thing. It’s around this time that the camera starts flickering any time something scary happens, for dramatic effect. Although it gets pretty hairy, British Priest manages to successfully exorcise the demon living in the possessed girl, and they all high-five each other and get out of there.
After this, another exorcism seems easy, so they head home to regroup and exorcise The Girl’s Possessed Mum. They head to the Vatican hospital to grab her and have a crack at an exorcism, but turns out her body is some sort of demon clown car, and there are all kinds of demons inside her having an evil party, and it’s going to take a few goes to get them all out.
UH OH! American Priest has started acting kind of sketchily. He goes to perform a baptism, and in the middle of it, tries to drown the baby. I’m no expert on Christianity but I don’t think that’s how it is supposed to work. He comes home, and everyone just kind of assumes he’s had a long day and decides not to worry about it. Later, he’s basically just sitting up at a table in the middle of the night eating cheese, but he’s doing it WITH THE LIGHTS OFF, which is totally unnerving and weird. Bizarrely, nobody thinks HEY HE MIGHT ALSO BE POSSESSED, and they just assume he’s under a lot of stress and acting like a totally possessed freak because he’s having a nervous breakdown or something.
Anyway, American Priest eventually gets A GUN and starts saying HEY IF NOBODY NOTICES I’M POSSESSED I’M SERIOUSLY GOING TO LOSE IT, COME ON GUYS ARE YOU EVEN WATCHING THIS MOVIE. British Priest, his close personal friend, tries to talk him down, but American Priest puts A GUN IN HIS MOUTH and starts going to pull the trigger. At this point every girl in the audience is gasping! It’s an exciting moment. Anyway, American Priest starts reciting the Lord’s Prayer, except he has a gun in his mouth so it sounds hilarious, it’s all “AYE ARVAR OO’ AR’ ING EAVA’, AWWOOWE’ EE AYE AAING”. Then he takes the gun out of his mouth after standing CONSPICUOUSLY in front of a corkboard full of bible pages, and absolutely nobody at all thinks “wow I guess he’s going to be ok!” Then he shoots himself in the head and brains go all over the bible pages. It’s CHILLING STUFF.
The Scooby Gang (consisting of The Girl, Camera Guy and British Priest) all get in their shitty Skoda or something to go to somewhere where they can just give everyone a big exorcism bath to make absolutely sure nobody at all is possessed, but The Girl has started to really go mental, so she starts grabbing everyone and trying to make the car crash. After a few exciting seconds of this, the film ends.
YES, THAT’S RIGHT, THE FILM ENDS. A title card is displayed saying some shit like NOBODY EVER FOUND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ANYONE IN THIS FILM, TO LEARN MORE GO TO www.thedevilinside.com. I have never seen an audience more united in their angry disapproval. Everyone in the theatre just stood up and shouted WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK. 90 minutes of sub-par exorcism thriller and instead of an ending you’re told to just fuck off and google what happened?
Also, INXS are NOT ON THE DEVIL INSIDE SOUNDTRACK, REPEAT, NOT ON THE SOUNDTRACK. We were expecting at least for a few sneaky references, like a priest could call up a higher-ranking priest on the phone and say “father, we’ve got a situation here, we really NEED YOU TONIGHT”, or a person who’s possessed could say “hey I’m really feeling a NEW SENSATION”, or something scary could happen where a girl kills herself and someone could say “this girl with the yellow hair just killed herself, she’s some sort of SUICIDE BLONDE”, but nothing.
I could live for a thousand years but if I hurt you I’d make wine from The SCALE Scale!
S - Story: 666! For the DEMONICALLY EVIL STORY OF POSSESSION THAT suddenly stops right at the end.
C - Comedy: 2. Demonic possession isn’t that funny, weirdly. To be fair it is pretty amusing when the possessed girls are all FATHER I CAN TELL YOU HAD A WANK WHILE THINKING OF ME THE OTHER DAY, HA HA YOU’RE GETTING A BONER LOOK, NO DON’T TURN AWAY WE CAN ALL SEE IT, HA HA LOOK IT’S TINY.
A - Awesomeness: 4. I guess demons are pretty awesome. I’ve always held that Christianity makes for fantastic fiction but a terrible religion, and this is a reasonable example of that.
L - Ladies: Oh dear. The Girl is actually a saucy little thing, but the only expression she has on during the entire film is OH GOD I THINK THAT PERSON MIGHT BE POSSESSED, which is not very fetching on her. Her mum is ok if you’re into self-harmers. 2.
E - Et Cetera. 7 points for the beauty of hearing an entire theatre-full of people go OH WHAAAAAAT when the film suddenly got cut off 80% of the way in.