Margarita Movies

Dan, Han and I have seen, between us, all the previous Twilight films. I’ve not seen the first one, but I feel I get the gist of it. These films are how you separate the Margarita Movie men from the Margarita Movie boys. They are very similar to being in a horrific war together. You’ve seen all these terrible things, but they’ve brought you closer to your comrades in arms than you ever thought possible. Dan, Han and I, battle-scarred veterans of a thousand terrible cinematic assaults, we’ve run through Twilight films like they were tours of duty in Vietnam. It’s a wonder we don’t come out of those films wearing necklaces of teenage girl ears.

Because of the bonding experience and the sheer challenge of sitting through Twilight films, we have been telling all the some-time Margarita Movie Bros that these are the best Margarita Movies and so on. What we meant by this is, they are the worst, most dire films, but the trauma makes you a stronger person in the end. What all our comrades interpreted this to mean is, Twilight films are really fun and enjoyable. Thus, we had a lot of people along for this one. 

It’s actually more or less impossible to find a legit Breaking Dawn poster so I’m just going to use this one that I found, I think it’s about as good as the real one anyway. I think it might be a little photoshopped. It kind of makes me laugh for a lot of reasons.

If you have not been keeping up with the Twilight Saga, here is the entire plot of the previous three films. There’s a vampire, he’s in love with a girl, they can’t be together because he’s a vampire, there’s also a werewolf, also in love with the girl, he hates the vampire, some guy tries to raise an army of vampires (about twelve), they are fought to death by the other vampires and werewolves. I’m being pretty fair to the series when I say that’s about it. It takes three films to get through all that. 

At the end of the previous exciting film, Edward the Sparkly Vampire stuns the audience by asking Bella the Boring Human to - GASP - marry him. When we saw it the audience gasped so hard it’s a wonder there was any oxygen left for us to breathe, despite them presumably having read the books.

At the beginning of this film, it has transpired that Bella has confounded audience expectations by ACCEPTING Edward’s proposal, and they are to be married. They have not, at this point, had sex, but by the laws of the EXTREMELY Christian and moral Twilight universe, this allows them to totally have at it, now that they are joined in matrimony. After a tasteful wedding reception that goes on for approximately five billion years, Edward takes Bella to some island in the Caribbean  and BONES HER SENSELESS. It is pretty erotic, let me tell you. 

Anyway, after the couple have banged each other so hard the walls are falling apart, disaster strikes as Edward notices that he has given Bella some light bruising in his passion, and tells her they can no longer have sex. Bella does not seem that bothered, and says uh, we totally can, it’s just some light bruising. I know this film is for children but they have to learn one day that people get bruised during sex and that is totally fine.  

We are now approximately one hour into the film. Bella starts looking kind of rough at this point, and wouldn’t you know it, the filthy marital sex the two perverts have had has been punished appropriately, as Edward and his disgusting alabaster sex organ have put a demonic baby of some sort inside Bella, who promptly starts looking skeletal and unhealthy.

It’s an edge-of-your-seat thrill ride from here on in, as the most exciting obstetric adventure in cinematic history unfolds with one spine-chilling twist after another. Jacob the Shitty Werewolf is LIVID that he has not only lost the object of his affections, but that his rival has put a shitty demon baby inside the girl he loves. It looks like Bella is going to DIE as the baby dickishly sucks all the life out of her, as it is some sort of vampire-ish baby. Is this the first time a vampire has banged a human? You’d think this might have occurred once or twice before. Why were they not ready for this?

It looks like Bella is going to die because of this stupid baby inside her. You shouldn’t have had sex, even in the loving partnership of marriage, you WHORE! That’s the message, and quite right too. At this point all the other shitty, sparkly vampires are saying hey, we should make Bella a vampire at the critical moment and then it’ll all be fine. This sounds like a pretty good plan but there was some complication I can’t remember because I had five margaritas and three shots before I went into the theatre. The tequila cushion had to be as soft and comforting as Christina Hendricks’ bosom for me to see even a second of this film.

THAT BABY IS COMING! Bella is about to launch that baby out of her insides like a vampiric chestbursting alien. At this point, I had to go to the toilet really badly, so I left for about three minutes. Apparently these were the most critical three minutes in the film, i.e., something actually happened in them. I am told Edward CHEWED THAT FUCKING BABY OUT OF HER STOMACH, in what I am calling a “v-section”. I’m not making this up. It’s in the books and everything. This is what awaits you if you use your vagina for anything fun! Don’t do it, girls!

Edward has a syringe full of grey crap that he shoves unceremoniously in Bella’s chest like she was Mia Wallace overdosing on heroin. A close-up, microscopic, inside view of some blood cells and veins and stuff inside Bella lets us know that it MAY OR MAY NOT BE DOING ANYTHING USEFUL, you just don’t know how it’s going to turn out. Jacob asks Edward, quite reasonably, what the hell he’s doing, and Edward says “IT’S MY VENOM”, which seems quite absurd to me. I will henceforth be referring to any substance generated by my loins as “MY VENOM”, though.

Jacob the Shitty Werewolf is brooding because the girl he loves is looking like a skeleton and squatting out a dickish vampiric baby. Although it’s never been mentioned in the previous films, this film is absolutely rife with all the werewolves conspicuously talking about “imprinting”. They’re all “oh I wish I would imprint on someone, I’m so lonely”, “did you see Dave? He imprinted on someone just last night”, and “oh if only I could imprint on someone all my problems would be solved and I could have dramatic closure”. Imprinting is basically falling in super-love with someone from what I can tell, it’s like your common-or-garden falling in love but because this is Twilight there’s some spiritual bollocks to it to that makes it incredibly meaningful. Anyway, you’ll never believe this, but it turns out Jacob the Shitty Werewolf takes one look at that dickish vampire baby and imprints the FUCK out of it. That’s right, the love triangle problem has been completely solved by the werewolf kid falling in love with a newborn baby. Again, I swear I am not making this up.

Prepare to have your mind blown, but Edward’s venom SUCCESSFULLY TURNS BELLA INTO A VAMPIRE, and she wakes up. THE END! What a totally satisfying and thought-provoking parable of love and horror.

Who waaaants, to liiiiive, foreevaaaaaah, who waaaaants, to liiiiive, foreveaaaarr, whoooo-ahh-ooohhhh, whooo-aaaaour love must diiiieeeeee but first the SCALE Scale.

S - Story: Nothing happens in this film. Two hours for a shag, a pregnancy, and a birth. It’s all prologue. 1.

C - Comedy: The main comedy is how furious everyone was with Dan for spearheading the charge to go and see another Twilight film. 8.

A - Awesomeness: Vampires are so awesome, and werewolves aren’t bad, but not these ones. 1.

L - Ladies: Bella, already very low down on the list of lovely ladies acting in films these days, looks even worse than usual as she spends half the film wasting away to nothing. Hot Vampire gets a couple of lines but her haircut gets worse with each film. 2.

E - Et Cetera: I don’t think I can bear the psychic cost of more than one more Twilight film. 6, for the six months remaining until the exciting conclusion of Breaking Dawn Part 2.

-Nick