January 2012
1 post
THE DEVIL INSIDE: Every single one of us.
One third of Team MM is a special birthday boy today, and that third is Dan! Dan treated himself to some pre-birthday Battlefield 3 with his bros (me) last night, and this morning he went to the black barbershop before joining me and MM affiliate Lou for brunch. The black barbershop is, from what I can tell, the purest concentration of black culture in the entire world. Like, you could pluck Kunta...
November 2011
1 post
Breaking Dawn: The Long Dark Winter of Margarita...
Dan, Han and I have seen, between us, all the previous Twilight films. I’ve not seen the first one, but I feel I get the gist of it. These films are how you separate the Margarita Movie men from the Margarita Movie boys. They are very similar to being in a horrific war together. You’ve seen all these terrible things, but they’ve brought you closer to your comrades in arms than...
September 2011
1 post
Abduction: All Dan's Fault
We are still in the doldrums of movie releases. Although good films are starting to come back into season, a never-ending wave of shit is still flowing through American movie theatres. Excitingly, the film we have been waiting for for months and months is out this weekend - KILLER ELITE. The title alone makes it an automatic Margarita Movie must-watch, but it actually features Jason Statham...
August 2011
1 post
Conan/Fright Night: Margarita Disaster
Many developments have taken place in the world of Margarita Movies since last we blogged. The first big news is that we have FRANCHISED. Over on the East Coast, our slightly more frou-frou brethren have launched Martini Movies, a pale imitation of the great Margarita Movies but nonetheless, a worthy addition to the world of drunk movie reviews. You can check them out here:
...
July 2011
1 post
Transformers 3: Autobots, Transform and Fuck Off
Have you seen Michael Bay’s Transformers? It came out a few years ago, and it’s dreadful. Have you seen Michael Bay’s Transformers 2? It came out a few years ago, and it’s dreadful and racist. Seriously racist. Gangsta caricature robots who cannot read, have gold teeth, and drop n-bombs cavort like idiots for the amusement of the audience. It’s a dark time. Not as...
June 2011
2 posts
Bad Teacher: Shittest Teacher
1. Vanessa the Pink Taco barmaid today asked Dan if he would like some watermelon, as he is black. She is now part of Team MM.
2. Kendall the Pink Tack barmaid today did an impression of my accent (British) that was so offensively racist it’s going on the list along with Paul Revere and the 4th of July.
I was hoping someone would ask Han (Chinese) if he ever visited his parents back on the...
X-Men: First Groovy Class
Lou and I got to the Pink Taco obscenely early, so committed were we to the Margarita Movie process. Andy texted us for a ride, and all we could do was laugh cruelly from the bar. Many hours of drinking later, it was TIME FOR SOME FUCKING MUTANTS.
X-Men: First Class is notable for having some of the shittiest advertising in history, as pictured above. I mean seriously, guys. It’s the...
April 2011
1 post
Source Code: OH BOY.
I am now 31. Although my actual birthday was on Friday, that didn’t stop the less scrupulous members of Team MM getting a bunch of free shots from the Pink Taco barmaids this weekend. The first one tasted like a bucket of sugar concentrated into a shot glass. The second tasted like paint stripper. I intended to only become Partially Inebriated before the film, with regard to my new advanced...
March 2011
1 post
Sucker Punch: Like being hit in the face really...
Zack Snyder made a good zombie film, 7 years ago. He’s been continually pissing away the goodwill from that since then, and Sucker Punch is where he runs out of piss and blood starts coming out, grimy blood that symbolises abuse and loneliness, while a cover of a Eurythmics song plays over the top. Team MM was of course, on the case.
Sucker Punch is a film about a girl who goes to an insane...
August 2010
2 posts
3 tags
Piranha 3D: The D is for DAAAAAAAMN!
Sorry I have so lax about posting. I suck. No excuses.
For some reason Han had a pitcher of PT margaritas ready to go when i got there, followed up by two glasses of pure poison that were served to us by longtime fave Kristin. Sufficiently lubricated we entered the theater.
We got seats directly in front of my favorite types of movie goers: Loud teenagers. they endeared themselves to me...
Who is SALT?!? (Who Cares?!?)
This was officially San Diego Comic-Con recovery week for Team Margarita Movie. I can’t discuss SDCC because what happens at Comic-Con stays at Comic-Con and on various places on Flickr and Twitter and in the living memories of the survivors. Or something.
Nothing major happened at the taco this week, besides Dan promising to spend next Comic-Con with our bartender in exchange for...
July 2010
3 posts
Predators: FUCK YEEEAHHHH
Girls are welcome at Margarita Movie, in most cases. Sometimes, however, you just need to bro the fuck out. As such, all ladies that were in danger of attending were carefully managed and manipulated with expert skill so we could man the fuck up in a grunting mass of boozed-up testosterone. And plus, to be honest they probably didn’t fancy this film much anyway.
FUCK YES. Team MM has been...
Twilight: Eclipse: AAAAARGH
The MM team has not been idle despite the lack of updates on this blog. Sadly, very few racist incidents have occurred for us to document, and the films we’ve seen we haven’t had much to say about. BUT THEN WE WATCHED A TWILIGHT FILM.
The only really racist incident we’ve witnessed occurred last week. We were sitting in BluJam, at around the time of the Ghana/USA game. Dan was...
Get Him to the Greek: An...
As a long-term fan of the Margarita Movie team I was very much looking forward to my guest appearance. Being white, I didn’t add much to the ever-crucial racial mix but I did provide gender diversity so points to me for that. The day started pretty promisingly with a car crash with a Mexican dude. Dan swiftly made friends with him so that was all cool. We had lunch at Blu Jam, which was...
May 2010
2 posts
A Nightmare on Elm Street: Veronica Mars and the...
Dan keeps asking waitresses what they would do if they won the lottery. Most of the time they say boring things like they would go travelling or buy a nice house. Dan asked Alicia, who is probably the barmaid we are on the friendliest terms with at the Pink Taco, and she gave us some nonsense about saving starving children in Africa.
Dan cut her off, and said “no, something all about...
Kick-Ass: WHEN COUGARS ATTACK
The Pink Taco is a pretty strange place. Its chief inhabitants are 1. Douchebags 2. Cougars 3. Team Margarita Movie. Packs of wild Greater Striped Californian Cougars roam the bar, looking for easy prey, i.e. men around our age. This Saturday at the Pink Taco there was a particularly savage-looking pack sitting across the bar from us.
I don’t want to cast aspersions, but these girls were...
April 2010
1 post
Clash of the Titans: Clash of the Drunk Bitches
I’m 30 years old! FUCK. This weekend has been pretty intense. So anyway, April Fools Day is my birthday. This year I am 30 ancient years old, which I am not happy about. Team Margarita Movie’s innate goodness made it all better, though.
So Dan and I have the customary pre-MM BluJam lunch. Kamil, the guy who owns the place, sang me happy birthday in a sexy Marilyn Monroe voice and the...
March 2010
4 posts
Hot Tub Time Machine: Nothing To Say
Apparently Han and I were mistaken about it being International Black Day last week because Dan showed us how it was done this week by wearing a truly awesome daishiki. We totally fucked him by wearing very sensible, normal t-shirts. Thus, the bonds of MM remain strong. Some booze thrown down, we were ready for some comedy.
There’s not much to say about Hot Tub Time Machine. It’s...
Repo Men: Escape From New Heart
Margarita Saturday started off a little rough this time.
There was a lot of discussion about whether to see a movie about two best friends that set out to make their mark on the world with their talents or go see Runaways. On top of that Nick was stricken with the Irish Measles or something. Dan ate something that was trying to kill him from inside. Han, as always, remained Han.
Things got on...
Green Zone: Yawn Zone
Remember last week I said a waitress at BluJam knew my name? She called me Chris today. My name is Nick. So close.
I was woken up at 9:30 today by Dan telling me it was time for zombies. We played international 4-a-side Left 4 Dead with one team from the USA and one team from various Commonwealth countries. Even though my loyalty is now to the USA I had to go with the n00bs on the Commonwealth...
The Crazies: SPOILER ALERT: Craziness
Dan and I are so “baller” (to use the local term) that we get VIP jump-to-the-front-of-the-line-status at BluJam, our favourite lunch spot. Dan gets this because he will talk to any of the wait staff, and knows all their names and stuff. I really don’t do this and am not comfortable with it but I perceive it as my problem and try and correct it by being friendly to them. Sadly...
February 2010
3 posts
Shutter Island: MORE LIKE ARKHAM ASYLAND
Two weeks running, Dan has tried and failed to flake on Margarita Movie. Two weeks running, Han and I have completely ignored his pretence of not being 100% loyal to the Margarita Movie Empire. It almost feels like Dan is testing us - if he says he can’t make it and we make other plans, he will excoriate us in the fires of his wrath for not being true to the cause. Dan and I had lunch at our...
Percy Jackson: Percy Jackson and The Dirty...
Dan made some noise about being ill for this week’s Margarita Movie. Han and I treated this with the usual level of respect we give Dan when he claims he’s going to be ill - none at all. We don’t even bother making alternative plans because we know full well that come 11am on the day Dan will text us saying ‘YO I FEEL BETTER, TIME TO PERCY UP’, and this is just what...
Edge of Darkness: More Talk, Less Action
So I’m sitting at the bar, waiting for DAN AKA WILLIAMS, stuffing my face with chips when my bartender Molly asks me what I’m seeing today. I have a ton of cornmeal in my piehole at this point, so I cover my mouth and sheepishly say “That Mel Gibson movie.” I’m used to snark and general disapproval of my lifestyle from my servers, but let’s give it up for...
January 2010
5 posts
Book of Eli: Mad Blax
As I write this I have an existential hangover. Outside it is warm and slightly overcast, but in my heart the snowstorm that rages all over the rest of the world has taken hold. WHYYYYYYYYYY
Yesterday’s drinking started at about 2. We went to the Taco and - BULLSHIT ALERT - couldn’t get a seat at the bar. We had to sit at a table, which is rubbish. The annoyance was only slightly...
Youth in Revolt: DOUBLE UP!
Sometimes fate shines upon us and we are given *2* films that we have a passing interest in, resulting in the rare and daunting Margarita Movie Doubleheader! Note, we do not see the films back to back, since we would be stone cold sober for the second one. Instead we return to the scene of the crime a day later, so that we can repeat our cycles of self destruction.
I think you can see that...
Daybreakers: I wish it had soul
[this review should be read to the tune of “I Know you Got Soul” by Eric B and Rakim]
It’s been a long time, I shouldn’t have left you Without a strong post to step to Think of how many weak movies you slept through Time’s up, I’m sorry I kept you Thinking of this, you keep repeating you miss The reviews from the margarita soloist And you sit by the internet,...
The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus: Zzzzzz
It is a bummer that Heath Ledger died. Since I am Australian (sort of, lived there for a few years and have citizenship), I have followed his career ever since he was doing indie Australian films. The best of these is Two Hands, a very low budget crime thing with him and Bryan Brown. He’s alright in The Dark Knight, I guess - his interpretation of The Joker now seems so stock-standard and...
Sherlock Holmes: It's Boredom, My Dear Watson
So, pretty much nothing curtails the MM posse from going to MM every weekend. Which is why the Saturday after Xmas found Roper, Williams and Lee getting terrible service from a Brotender with sick tats. Fortunately, one of the regular Hotenders showed up and got us an emergency drink just before the Film of Choice was to begin. As we got up to leave, i threw on my MM uniform - the yellow Cross...
December 2009
5 posts
Avatar: Dances With Space Wolves
Most of the time, the Margarita Movie team stands alone. We walk a lonely path. I mean, there are three of us. But we three are out there with no support, seeing these shitty movies for the good of… well, nobody. When the big blockbuster films roll around, we tend to get some guest stars turning up. For Avatar, we had guest stars Andy, Lou and Sam, with no ladies, which makes this the most...
Zombieland: our Margarita Movie Waterloo
Margarita Movie doesn’t always run smoothly. It’s tough out there in the trenches and not everyone makes it back alive. This is one of those times, so join me on a journey back to sometime in September for this Classic Margarita Movie.
K. (name redacted in the name of her dignity) is my ex-girlfriend from England. She came out to visit, to make sure I was doing alright in the...
Invictus: South Africa, Experts in Racial Harmony
While it may seem that we only see awful movies with giant explosions, the schedule does not reliably afford us such riches every week. In tough times, sometimes we’ll have to resort to getting tanked and seeing Oscar bait movies like Invictus.
I understand this may seem fairly controversial, and the very thought of margarita-screening Invictus makes me a racist. How divisive was this?...
Armored: Shitmored more like
Choosing Margarita Movies is difficult, but sometimes a film makes it easy on you by looking so low-rent and trashy that Dan, Han and I all start punching each other in the shoulder with excitement when we see a trailer because a film looks like solid fried margarita gold. Armored was one of those films.
We saw trailers for this thing months ago. The premise is, a bunch of armoured car security...
Ninja Assassin aka "What the World Needs now, Is...
Let me start off by pointing out that Nick lived up to his pseudonym, Enter the Dragon’s Roper, and was lured away from the Margarita movie by a woman of sketchy nature. This left the black guy and the asian d00d to handle the growing army of martial artists lurking in the shadows of…Berlin
Before I go further let me relieve your worries: Ninja Assassin is not in fact a redundant...
November 2009
4 posts
2012: The Too-old-for-this-shit-in-chief
(This is a retrospective Margarita Movie from a few weeks back. More may be added depending on how well they can be remembered.)
What makes a margarita movie? It’s a difficult question. Lord knows we’ve seen films that have been boring margarita movie experiences. Even ‘good’ films are sometimes completely inappropriate.
The main thing is, a film must be ridiculous and...
Twilight 2: Twi Harder
Ok, so I guess it’s fitting that the first proper blog post on this blog is going to be about a god-awful film, a film that there is no good god damn reason for three semi-self-respecting men to see.
So yeah, we saw fucking New Moon. I was already nursing a weapons-grade hangover from our friend Jermaine’s birthday party the night before, which was fun. It was at Birds, which is a...
Who knew Dungeon Siege would change my world?
Why is there a chain of restaurants called Pink taco??
What is this blog about?
These questions and more will be answered soon.
